In the absence of men...

“Did you ever think that maybe we’re the white knights? And we’re the ones who have to save ourselves?” 

~ Carrie, SATC Season 3, “Where There’s Smoke…”

Today K.T. and I were having a dinner date followed by some frozen yogurt. Of course the conversation was filled with ranting about The Good Person of Setzuan, decoding signals from a possible K.T. love interest, and dishing about our loves lives and the love lives of our friends. 

We began talking about love in the general sense, I began talking about my parents and how they have given me and unrealistic expectation when it comes to love. They are perfect. They are still in love with each other after 21 years. They have the kind of relationship where you still see the sparkle in their eyes when they look at each other. They go on dinner dates and don't invite my sister and I, they have Saturday morning shopping dates, they write love letters to each other via a video game called Animal Crossing, they put up with whatever crap the others throws out...

They are soulmates... simply put. 

And to think it almost didn't happen. My mom was engaged to another man before she met my father. I guess you just know when the person isn't right for you. At least my momma did. And if my momma can know... why can't I?

So, with this hope, I continue my search. Missing electron, where are you?

My mind has been so occupied lately with this search for my soulmate, the quest to find the right man to fulfill my life. I want to replicate what my parents have. I want to find that person that I will spend decades with, the rest of my life with. I told K.T. about how I spent my freshman year single, trying to discover who I was as a person. I was entering a new environment, I needed to discover myself and become secure with who I was. So no love interest freshman year... only a few hook-ups at the beginning of the year (it's freshman year, hook ups are a necessary part of the experience).  But they don't really count... Then summer came and Spring happened. 

Spring, as he will be known via this blog, was a boy I had majorly flirted with the summer prior to my freshman year, but he wasn't ready for a relationship. Finally, last summer we decided to give it a try and while the relationship was laced with fighting, we really connected and it turned out to be something really fantastic. We decided to break up at the end of summer citing the fact that Spring was starting his freshman year of college and that we were going to different schools in different states. While it was a bit of a tough split, it was the right choice. At the time a long distance relationship didn't seem to be appropriate. Especially for a freshman in college without a lot of previous dating experience. Spring was my first serious relationship in two years and was an awesome way to reacquaint my self with the serious dating game. 

After this comeback to the serious dating scene, I felt I had discovered and learned about enough of myself to put the search for a relationship with depth and substance into full throttle. I followed Spring with Seuss (his name was Seuss and he wanted to be a doctor... it was the only funny thing about him...), who was followed by Neck, who was followed by Peter (the holder of the title of Longest/Most Serious Relationship in the History of Me), then D, and now...

As this next summer closes in, I can't help but reflect back on the past year... and I've realized I dated quite a bit. And have learned quite a bit. I broke a lot of hearts, maybe even had my heart broken... You would think that maybe after all these different experiences in my dating life, I would emerge more secure and sure of myself...

As K.T. and I selected our different kinds of frozen yogurt and topped them with fruit, cookie pieces, and cheese cake, I mentioned how even after all this dating, I feel more unsure of myself than ever. At this point in my life, I am facing a lot of choices concerning my future and significant other, I've hit a road block and feel the need to make those decisions. You'd think I would follow my parents example (they didn't meet and get serious until late 20s/early 30s) and realize I have a little bit more time to make up my mind on things. The problem is these decisions keep pounding down my door, and love and all that comes with it seem to be wildly screaming at me to make up my mind and hurry up...

And as I waxed poetic my feelings of discovering what I want in my significant other and how each relationship has moved me closer to that Holy Grail, K.T. said something that really struck me... She said, "Maybe you shouldn't be figuring what you want in a boy, but spend sometime figuring out yourself."

I've been constantly preaching the 'love thyself' mantra over the past month, but suddenly, I realized it: You can't limit self-discovery to one year and then think you're completely figured out. Through this year's dating escapades, I've discovered what I'm like within a relationship, what I'm like with a boy and how to handle being with another person, the discovery of companionship... and forgot how to discover things about my greatest companion: myself. 

And so I'm going to do something drastic. Something dramatic and a bit ridiculous... but possibly necessary. During Setzuan rehearsals, several members of the cast and I crafted this idea:

 I'm going to give up boys for a month (or at least to the end of the year).

I will take a temporary vow of celibacy. Instead of diving deep into the dating game which has this past year become the focus point of my life, I am going to retreat to last year when I spent the time figuring out myself. Instead of a whole year, I will spend a month remembering what it was like to be me, without boys, without The Game, without the desperate search to find a soulmate. I will be with my friends, with my theatre, and with myself. 

I think its a good choice. A chance to refresh, to cleanse the palate in order to fully enjoy the next course in this meal of life.

My goal is to the end of the school year. That's three weeks. And should I need more time I will expand the vow to a month. For a month, boys will not be the object of affection, but instead be platonic friends... no sexual interest, no flirting, no potential boyfriends, no nothing. 

Why am I giving up boys again? ...It feels like the right thing to do. It's to do some soul searching. Some single soul searching. 

Everyone in the show doubts that I'll be successful. And I admit, I'm a little insecure with my will power to avoid boys as sexual beings. In order to help the process become a success, several of my friends and cast members (shout outs to Lindsey, Healy, K.T., Alex, Amy, and Kyle), decided to put together a list of rules to keep me in check.

The rules are as follows:

1) No phone sex or internet sex

2) No touching... If it's sexual in nature at all, inappropriate. Any body parts above the knee and below the shoulders are completely off limits. 

3) No face touching.

4) No winking. 

5) No hair touching, no petting, no caressing

6) No spooning, no cuddling

7) No overtly sexual flirting, or any innuendo that has the potential of moving from innuendo into reality.

8) No sexy text messages... or romantic text messages... 

9) Statuses on facebook cannot contain the words: love, sex, boy, resist, heart, body, destiny, missing you, want (in a sexual/romantic sense), touch, kiss, crush, bump 'n' grind, do me

10) No eye sex... or eye gasms... or eye jobs... 

11) No sleep overs... because sleep overs lead the breakage of rules 2-9

12) No asking boys on dates, or saying yes to any boys who ask.

13) No saying the phrase 'possible love of my life' concerning a potential boyfriend (This is a rule that should be established in my everyday life)

14) No sex. No fooling around (anything concerning blowing, fingers, and things that cannot be mentioned in public places without making people blush)

15) NO KISSING. This will be the make or break of this experiment. I love kissing. 

And so my boy-less three weeks begins. And maybe with the subtraction of this distraction, my quest for the best will calm itself down. I'll be able to see clearly once my world and single-self have been restored to their proper state. 

Or maybe this is a ploy. My friend Chris mentioned that he thinks I'm simply trying to trick fate... I'm knocking on the door of some romantic/teen movie cliche where I give up boys and suddenly the man of my dreams enters my life... I would be totally okay with that.

Whatever happens, whatever my subconscious thought process is... I'm going to give it a good try. Sure, I'm probably going to fail, but at least for a few moments, I'll be able to set boys aside and remember what it was like to be strong, independent, and single... and proud of it. To not need a boy, and instead depend entirely and completely on myself... for a second forget my unrealistic expectations, and my parents story, and my current boy drama... and remember what it's like to be me. 

And so, Day One of my Abstinence of Boys... begins...

Wish me luck!

Eat your heart out <3

“When did being alone become the modern day equivalent to being a leper? Will Manhattan restaurants soon be divided in to sections? Smoking/non-smoking? Single/non-single?” 

~ Carrie, SATC Season 2, “They Shoot Single People, Don’t They?”

I could feel the judgment. The air was thick with it.

There I was sitting at Qdoba, eating my burrito, and feeling the stares. I was eating alone: the ultimate mealtime faux-pas.

It's frightening the stigma against the single eaters. There are unwritten rules of eating alone. When ordering, don't get too much, the cashier will wonder, "Are you going to eat all that... by yourself?" Be careful where you sit, if you sit alone at a table or booth you will be judged for taking up space that should be reserved for couples and groups. Glares will be inevitable. To avoid these glares, you should reside your single self at the bar section made for the lonely souls. The single people bar is usually located by a window, so the people outside the restaurant can walk by and feel pity for your loner meal. At Qdoba, a women in her sixties walked by, looked into the window at me in the singles seats, and gave me a look so wrought with pity that my single security was shaken to its core. 

My plan was to hang around Qdoba after I finished my burrito, but the single status was too frightening and a booked it out of there and back to my apartment. 

Last week, I had a similar experience. I had arrived to lunch a few minutes early, and I decided to grab the table that my friends and I normally sit at. I sat there waiting for my friends to arrive. I pulled out my computer and started surfing the internet. After a few moments of sitting alone, the pressure started. Maybe they weren't staring, but I felt at least a sharp looks of the people around me. They were questioning, "Why is that boy sitting alone?" And then people I know (who I happen to can't stand) just appeared in the food court, too. And they saw me sitting alone. And I don't know why, but I felt so embarrassed. There was something about sitting alone, without my friend for defense that made me feel so naked. So unarmed. 

And the reason I know people were passing judgment about my single eating self is because I, myself, am notorious for passing judgment on single eaters. I mean, I don't see a person eating alone and think, "God, they must be eating alone 'cause they're a freak." But, I do feel pity for them. I think to myself, "I should go over and sit with them. They need a friend." I know if someone had come over while I was at Qdoba or waiting for my friends tried something like that, I would have punched them in the face and felt completely disrespected. 

We are programmed from when we are young that sitting alone is a bad thing. We were taught that if someone was sitting or standing alone in the lunchroom, we should go over, introduce ourselves, and become friends. No one should be alone. While eventually as we grow older we lose the initiative to go over and make friends, the thought still remains with us: Eating alone is bad. 

And because of this, I now have a permanent judgement/fear of single eaters. Dang it.

There are definite perks of being alone. I occasionally enjoy taking a day entirely to myself. I find those days are the most productive days. Or at least the most relaxing. Or the most introspective. As long as those alone days don't ever move into the public eye. Then you face a Qdoba situation.

I decided to continue my exploration of single eating and the judgment that came with it. I chose to go to McDonalds (I never eat at McDonalds, but I had the biggest craving for a BigMac it was a ridiculous, and it was just a block down the road from me).  As I went to order my BigMac, the female cashier, a young woman probably around my age, flirtatiously teased me about my order. My ego got a little boost. I was getting flirted with and although due my sexual preference I had no interest in this girl, I still felt a little confidence bump. After my order was placed, I went and sat by a nearby table and waited. When they called my name it was the same female cashier to give me my burger. In a flirtatious, sweet voice she says, "You look lonely over there."

Now, normally this would be cute, a little flirty way to get someone to talk to you or spend more time with you, but in my current mindset of single eating, all ego boost  was gone. Evaporated. Executed. Gone. I looked lonely. All I did was sit at a table by myself, play with my phone, and suddenly I was lonely. My aura screamed lonely. And while this cutie pie had just intended some light flirting, I was suddenly struck with a sinking feeling. I couldn't even escape the single stigma... at McDonalds!

And so the idea of loneliness really set in... My single eating and the taboos that came with it had caused me to develop a full on case of the alones. 

In order to remedy my loneliness, I quickly sent several of my friends a joking text about being hit on by the female cashier. They responses would hopefully be the perfect cure to my alones. As I waited for my friends to respond, in true Carrie Bradshaw fashion, I couldn't help but wonder, was my 'single eating' making me lonely? Or was my loneliness making 'single eating' unbearable? 

I started to reflect on my current single situation. First Dater (who shall henceforth be referred to as D) and I bumped up our second date from Saturday to last night. We had another great time, but at the end of the date, I had to make a confession to him: I wasn't ready to be in a committed relationship. I had thought about this since we had our first date, and after must consultation with my girls I came to this conclusion: Since I still am a resident of post-break-up-recovery world and with summer coming quickly, I just couldn't get behind having another long distance relationship when I moved back home while he remained here. And for some reason, for probably the first time in my life, I just wanted to be... single...

And this is what worries me, D is a great guy, I should be desperately wanting to be in a committed relationship with him, he's everything I could ask for in a boyfriend.

And in my complicated, over-dramatic head, I start thinking, Why don't I want to be in a relationship? Is this permanent? Will I ever want to be in a relationship again? Am I going to be one of those people who are doomed to be single forever?

I blame the McDonalds cashier for these thoughts. And the old women who judged me for eating alone outside the window of Qdoba... will I forever be the single eater?

...And would that be such a bad thing? True I would have to constantly face the judgment of the single eater nay sayers, but I mean, I would never have to share my food, never have to worry about who's paying for the meal, I could eat whatever I want...

And that's what scares me. The idea that eventually I may become okay with this single lifestyle. I don't necessarily mean that being single is bad, but I could fall in love with it. Just dating when  I wanted to and enjoying life on my own. After all, I'm an independent person, I might just need to live life on my own. And maybe that's truly the final step of the post-break-up-recovery world, learning to live on your own. And love it.

And once again, I'm back to the same idea I've mentioned before: It's about loving yourself.

And once again, I think:

Loving yourself? Easier said than done...

And soon I learn that, however hard it maybe...

and learn to think of it as a love of self and not loneliness.

Maybe then, I'll be ready to commit... and invite that person to come with me to meals

But until then...

I guess I just have to learn to love...

Eating alone.

On matters of the heart and the head...

"It seems that when it comes to affairs of the heart there is a battle between what we know and what we feel... When it comes to relationships is it smarter to follow your heart or your head?" 

~ Carrie, SATC Season 3, "Easy Come, Easy Go"

Last night I started rehearsals for The Good Person of Setzuan by Bertolt Brecht. My college and a professional company are performing a joint production of it. I was cast as The Nephew, it's a small, but fun role.

In the play, three gods come to visit Setzuan in search of one good person. They come across Shen Te, a prostitute in the city, who is the only person that will house the gods for the night. They give Shen Te a gift of 1,000 silver coins in which she uses to buy a tobacco shop. Due to her kindness, the tobacco shop becomes overrun with free loaders and people who abuse Shen Te's generosity. In desperate attempt to keep herself afloat, she disguises herself as her male cousin, Shui Ta. Unlike Shen Te, as Shui Ta is cold and harsh. Shui Ta turns the small tobacco shop and the free loaders into a major factory and mistreated workers. 

During the show, Shen Te falls in love with a man, Sun. She is deeply and truly in love with this man and they become engaged. As Shui Ta, she discovers Sun is a terrible man, who plans to abuse Shen Te and isn't really in love with her. Shui Ta turns Sun away, but the moment Shen Te returns to her female self, she takes him back in a moment... because she loves him and cannot resist.

Besides dealing with an intense split personality problem, Shen Te's plight brings up something that hits close to home. It's the ultimate battle. Do we follow our heart or our head? Are we cheating ourselves by ignoring the whims of our hearts? Or are we idiots for giving in to instinctive, powerful impulses and not thinking twice about the situation? 

Why do we love someone with all our heart when we know in our head it will hurt us in the end?

Before rehearsal today, I asked several of my girlfriends who are in the show with me this question. My friend Lindsey responded with something along the lines of, "I could spend hours talking with you about this... Why do we love the bad boy?" ...why do we?

Here's a personal story about a previous boyfriend... We had broken up. And it took until three weeks after the break-up before I stopped making myself believe this boy was 'The One'. I honestly believed this boy, this boy who broke up with me  was the man that I was meant to be with for the rest of my life. I believed it through the entire relationship. When I first laid eyes on him, I thought to myself: "I'm going to be with this boy no matter what." And maybe a little tiny piece of my heart still thinks there maybe a chance that he's 'The One'. I'm not one to ever give up on anything. Anything is possible. But I'm going to store that little piece far away and hide it and move on. 

We had been broken up for almost three weeks, yet I still clung desperately onto the idea that we were going to get back together and this was only a break.  My heart was screaming, "BE WITH THIS BOY." I felt stupid and ridiculous, for not being with him. I thought the break-up was a dumb idea. Why shouldn't two people be together who care about each other and love each other?

Peter, as he will be called via this blog, didn't feel ready to be in a relationship. We had gotten very serious, very quickly. We said 'I love you' only a couple weeks into the relationship, had already talked about wedding plans and our lives after college. Now, I meant it when I told him I loved him. I honestly believe I was truly in love with this boy. And I believe he loved me back. 

So, Peter was everything I wanted. He just wasn't ready for a relationship. Which is completely understandable. It wasn't fair to me, someone who is ready to be in a completely serious, long-term relationship to expect that of someone who is clearly not ready. 

I understood this in my head. Yet, my heart... damn that stupid thing... just kept wailing like it had been. "GET BACK WITH HIM!!! FLIRT WITH HIM! BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH" And why shouldn't I be with him? We made each other laugh, we cared about each other deeply and wanted to stay in each others' lives post-break-up, our chemistry is off the charts...

It just wasn't the right time. We were at two different places in our lives. And on the grand, powerful relationship scale, timing can sometimes outweigh everyone of those fabulous, good things.

I'm sure it would be hilarious to watch the self-battle occur. To see me jump back and forth between what I know is right and what my heart is feeling. I probably look really cracked out, schizo, and craazzzzzyyyy. 

But I wanted him. With all my heart. Even though I knew if I kept pushing, the heart that wanted him so badly would only be broken in the end.

 

Sometimes it takes something big, straight forward and powerful event to make you come to your senses. Peter telling me that we shouldn't talk for awhile and the argument that followed was that event. Finally my head and heart were able to sync up. Why continue to hurt myself, and this boy that I care very much about by making our already complicated break-up/relationship even more complicated? So, my heart gave in, it disconnected itself from the situation... I had to move on. 

I was Shen Te clinging to Sun. I was clinging to something that was only going to stress me out and cause more damage and eliminate any sort of further relationship. I ignored reason, I ignored my Shui Ta... 

Why??

It's hard when the world perceives choosing your mind over your heart as a terrible, horrible thing...

A girlfriend of mine  has a boyfriend who is a complete tool. Yet, although the rest of the world can see what badly he treats her, she still loves him. I have had several friends who's significant others have cheated on them, yet they still remain with them. I even know a group of lesbians who are all going through this same sort of drama.

Are we addicted to the drama? Is it because of good sex? Or are we scared of being alone? Why lose the love we have now? So what if its not the best, at least you have something.

As terrible as these things sound... they're true. I have a actually told myself before, "It'll be okay. It's bad now, but it's better than being alone." 

And maybe it's not about the fear of being alone. Maybe there is something exciting about the possibility of having your heart broken. Mandy Moore recently released a song called, "I Could Break Your Heart Any Day of the Week" in which she lets her love know... she could smash his heart anytime she wanted to. The chance is enthralling. There's danger, there's passion. And people love that stuff. I know I do. I love fighting with my boyfriends. I couldn't be with a boy who doesn't call me out on my shit. And when we fight (at least with my previous two relationships), the fighting made me want them even more.

Am I messed up? I don't think I'm alone. I think there's a lot of people out there who are dealing with the same thing. It's not wrong. I don't think so (I hope not... ehhh... haha). 

 

There's a point when the game becomes to much. The excitement of the chase becomes more important than the safety and love between two people.

And a point when you are too worried about being alone that you stop loving yourself. 

Is that what it comes down to? Loving yourself? That's too easy. Isn't it??

For such complicated questions concerning matters of the heart and head, that answer seems like a cop out...

Love myself... there's something in this... At least, for me with Peter, it was losing stability, the idea of being in a relationship that kept me pining for him. After the break-up, I felt helpless. I forgot how to be single, how to stand on my own, how to feel okay with myself and, thus, the static cling began. But, I wasn't helpless. I was the same strong, independent individual I was before. I had lost a bit of myself. And I needed a good slap in the face to remind me that I'm a good person who doesn't need to depend on any boyfriend to help him through hard times. And so the process to learn to love myself again started... it's an epic journey... 

Being in a relationship is not about losing yourself. It's about two fully formed selves coming together and forming a even greater self, while never sacrificing any part of the two original selves.  Never should we sacrifice who we are for another person, instead that person should love you for everything that you are, and you should love yourself for everything you are too... 

When your heart is healthy and full of love, then its ready to make reasonable judgement on the love of another. A little cliche... I know... but I have a firm belief that cliche's are the most honest things in the entire world and there's a reason they are cliche....

Cliche or not... Loving myself? Easier said then done...

The distressing thing about Shen Te's tale and The Good Person of Setzuan is that in the end, nothing is solved. The gods come back, but don't set things right and clean up the mess that has been made. They simply tell Shen Te to have faith in humanity and her goodness and continue to live her life. She'll figure it out. And then they book it out of Setzuan on a cotton candy cloud.

I wish I had a cotton candy cloud. Stupid ancient gods...

And maybe the point of this cop out ending (similar to my 'cop out' answer of having to love thyself... ), is that it's up to us to figure it out. Or at least try...

And maybe... there isn't an answer...

There's just a heart

And a head

And a Setzuan prostitute with a split personality...

And a billion people who can relate