All I ever wanted...

“I'm tough, ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.”

~ Madonna

 

Before Setzuan rehearsal, I was trying to decide what I wanted for dinner.

I could make myself a sandwich with what I had in my kitchen. I could walk and grab salad from the Cafeteria place across the street. I could walk down to the Rally’s on the corner of the street and get a burger.

But none of these things really struck my interest. And then, the strangest urge hit me: I wanted popcorn. I wanted a large bag of buttery movie popcorn. There is a movie theater about four buildings down from my apartment, completely in walking distance, I could run out, walk the block, get my popcorn, and be back before I even would have to think about getting ready for rehearsal.

Then came the ever appearing and unavoidable doubts to this popcorn dinner. I should get a salad, it would be healthier. I’m going to look ridiculous walking into the movie theater, buying popcorn, and leaving. I’ll end up eating the whole bad and spend the rest of the night being angry with myself for giving in. People would judge me.

And as these doubts flew at me (similar to when I pelt popcorn at my friends sitting down the row at the movies), I thought to myself, “Who cares?”

All the mattered was in that moment, I wanted the popcorn. It doesn’t matter if people would judge me or think I was ridiculous. It would be what makes me happy in this moment. It’s what I wanted.

So, I set down my laptop, walked the block to the Moolah Temple (our movie theatre), and bought myself a large popcorn and a large Mountain Dew (or MTN Dew as those soda hipsters like to call it now-a-days). And let me tell you… the popcorn… was excellent.

As I walked back to my apartment, I noticed people looking at me. Sure, maybe they were judging me for buying a popcorn and not seeing a movie, but maybe their judgmental thoughts were really a disguise, a façade to cover up the fact that maybe, just maybe, they wanted to go into the Moolah and buy themselves some popcorn to… just because they wanted to.

And I thought to myself, why do we limit ourselves from getting what we want? Instead of going for it, we surrender our wants and give up. Whether it be breaking social norms, encouraging the inevitable judgment of others, or a fear of failure, we have a bad habit of letting go of what we want and letting it get away.

Now, I know you can argue there’s a difference between what we want and what we need and blah blah blah. This isn’t that post. This isn’t that message. For ten minutes, I want to be entirely selfish, because sometimes when we’re worried about being selfless, that’s exactly what we become. Self… less, a loss of self. In work, in relationships, in life. And without self… who are we? Sometimes in this life, we need to be selfish, we need to decide what we want, how we can get it, and go for it. And not to give up, because someone else thinks what we’re doing is wrong, breaking the rules, or too far fetched. As long you’re not hurting someone else,

Go for it.

 

And so I started thinking about what I wanted:

 

I want to be a successful actor.

I want to help the world in some way, shape, or form.

I want a family.

I want to be a published author/playwright.

I want to start a professional theatre company.

I want to be a fully realized human.

I want to live in New York City or L.A.

I want to have lots of money. Or at least enough to have a more-than stable lifestyle.

I want to make better decisions.

I want to change lives. Make things better. Help people.

I want to love somebody unconditionally. And maybe be loved in return…

I want to find ‘The One’

 

And as I came across this last topic of ‘wantage,’ I began to really think about it:

What do I want in ‘The One’?

 

While I have many ideas about the man I see myself eventually being with for the rest of my life, never have I put them down on paper (or on blog). When a friend of mine asked me what I look for in a man… I stumbled. I wasn’t sure what exactly I find attractive, what I appreciate, what draws me close to someone... My previous boyfriends have been an eclectic bunch: from punk rocker, to pothead, to actor, to Yale student, to large, to small, to white, to black, to prude, to sex-obsessed, to blond, to ginger… I’ve had a good variety.

 And because every boy I have ever dated has been incredibly different than the one before, I’ve never developed a type. I’ve never had a girlfriend look across the room, spot a boy, turn to me and go, “Ooh! That’s your type right there! Do him!” I’m type-less. I am the rare breed of human that is born without an interest archetype. I guess an overall type doesn’t matter to me. Whether he’s a jock, a twink, an emo, an artist… none of it matters.

What I have learned from my previous relationships is what I want. I mean, after all, isn’t that what dating is all about? Figuring out exactly what you are looking for in a significant other.

So I’ve begun compiling another want list: A list of what I want in ‘The One’. Now, the ultimate downfall of a list such as this is not that expectations are high, but they are too specific. I believe that if you want the best, you should strive for the best and settle for nothing less. What causes a relationship to fail is creating such specific wants that a person is unable to fit into the empty puzzle piece you’ve created. Expect the best, but don’t expect an exact carbon copy of your fantasy.

---

What I want in my significant other (Part I):

 

I want someone who will help me love the world. In previous relationships, it became so much about loving us as a couple. I don’t want to only love the person I’m with, but instead have the person I’m with help me share love with the world … Does that even make sense?

I want someone who will call me out on my shit. A few relationships back, I was with a boy who would give into my every whim, agreed with everything I had to say… at times I would say things that were clearly wrong and he still would agree with me. I hated it. I want someone who can say, “You’re being an idiot” and put me in my place.

I want someone who puts relationships above alcohol and other substances. Partying, smoking, etc. is a blast. I love going to parties, getting drunk, having a good time, doing crazy stuff… but the person I’m with has to be able to put me before all those things.

I want someone who will listen to me when I’m being emotional and ridiculous and tell me everything is going to be okay.

I want someone who is willing to drop all defenses and let me in. Vice versa, I want someone who I can completely be myself around, drop my defenses, and let them into my inner world.

I want someone who is a good kisser who matches my kissing style. No aggressive kissing for me. Put your tongue in my mouth on the first kiss, and we’re done. Hit my teeth with your teeth and we’re also done. I’ve dated too many terrible kissers, and I know I’m destined to date a few more…

I want someone who can have fun. I get so serious and caught up in my work, I need someone who can bring me back down.

I want someone who will dance with me. Whether it’s a raving dance party for two or a romantic, slow dance.

I want someone who I really connect with sexually. Sorry, I want to be really attracted to the person and have awesome sex. Sue me.

…but at the same time I want someone who I can be sexual with but also respects sex as something more than physical but as part of love. And since I don’t give it up, someone who is willing to wait until we’re both ready to, putting it bluntly, do it.

I want someone who wants to change the world.

I want someone who will play video games with me and humor my inner geek.

I want someone who will watch endless episodes of Sex and the City with me and have deep discussions about love, sex, and friendship.

I want someone I feel comfortable being naked in front of. And not only while being physical, but while we’re not.

I want someone who loves to cuddle. And hold hands.

I want someone who loves to laugh.

I want someone who will go on walks with me in the early morning, in the afternoon, and late at night.

I want someone who will let me love them. I want someone who will let me shower them with love. And someone who will shower me back. Not necessarily really romantic things, gifts, or grand loving acts, but more the feeling of love. I want to be constantly immersed within love.

I want someone who makes mistakes, and does stupid things, and gets in fights with me. I want someone who makes me see what’s wrong with me and help me change it. I want someone who learns from what’s happening and become better.

I want someone who makes me better.

I want someone who believes in forgiveness.

I want someone who isn’t afraid to break the rules. Or at least bend them a little bit.

I want someone who I can be stupid with. Who I can be a total spaz and who will be weird and a spaz with me. I want to feel comfortable being my weird, complicated self with this person.

I want someone who loves me. With everything he is.

---

 

…so I want a lot of things. And this list isn’t even close to being complete.

But what I have learned from creating this list, from my previous relationships, from my popcorn dinner is:

We should never settle for anything less than what we want. No matter what the want may be. You’re allowed to be a little selfish now and then. As long as no one is hurt (physically or emotionally), we should reach for the stars and never settle for anything short of cosmic.

Whether it be a large bag of popcorn

Or a lover who can give you what you need

Decide what you want

And no matter what people say

Or the inevitable feelings of doubt…

 

Go Get It.

 

Electrons

"Don't laugh at me, but... maybe we could be each others' soulmates? And then we can let men be these great, nice guys to have fun with?"

~ Charlotte to the girls, SATC Season 4, "The Agony and the 'Ex'-tacy"

In my Playscript Analysis class, we are reading Arcadia by Tom Stoppard. In the show, a lot of mathematical mumbo jumbo is talked about that often goes way over my head. I'm not stupid, but mathematics is just well... boring to me. I think its incredibly impressive and I have respect for any person who can tackle the beast that is mathematics, but on a completely personal basis... I would just rather write about my feelings. Go fig. 

Anyway, we had presentations on different things mentioned within the show. We talked about Mandelbrot sets, Julia sets, chaos theory, and quantum physics. When we were on the topic of quantum physics, my friend and future roommate, Emily, mentioned a thing called string theory.

In string theory, it states that an atom can be split into two different parts, into two different electrons and then sent to either parts of the universe. Even though these electrons are stranded on either side of the great abyss that is the universe, they will be irrevocably drawn to each other, constantly searching to find each other, to bond, and to complete the atom.

Are we electrons? Scattered across the universe from the other half of ourselves, scouring all of the stars, planets, and meteors to find the tiny atomic particle that can complete us? 

When Emily told me about string theory, I instinctively replied with a fantasy filled sigh, romanticizing about how somewhere out there is a little electron that is drawn to me, ready to complete me. 

...but really... is there?

People spend their entire lives searching for their 'soulmates.' The person that they were designed for. But, are we truly designed to complete another person? Or is the idea of a 'soulmate' something someone once upon a time came up with to play pretend and convince him/herself that he/she isn't completely alone?

I think these scientists and mathematicians or whoever deals with these theories is on to something. My friend, Dani, and I were talking about this electron theory. Dani, a pre-med/biology/philosophy major, of course knew exactly what I was talking about and elaborated on this new theory.

She told me, that although the soulmate electrons are destined to be constantly pulled towards each other, on the journey to find 'The One,' the electrons are able to bond with other electrons, they bond with these electrons until they are done, take what they need, and move on continuing their search for their other half. 

So maybe we are electrons. In the big scheme of things, that's what dating is all about. You date, you find a person that your particles can match up with, you bond, and when the time has come to move on you do until you find the person you are meant to be with, the electron that allows you to complete yourself. Your soulmate.

I brought up the electron string theory to my friend, Andrew. Andrew thought the theory was interesting and then said something that really struck me, "You never really know who you 'missing electron' is, but you'll find out when you meet them." Now, I'm sure this wasn't the implied intention, but my overcomplicated, over-thinking began stirring like crazy. Do you know instantly when you meet your electron that they are the one? What if you don't realize that person is your electron until much later in time? What if it's too late?

I have an enormous fear. Probably the thing that worries me most about the dating scene. In my six years of electron adventure, I have already said 'I love you' to two separate boyfriends. Now, I'm an 'I love you' prude. I do not let those three words out unless I truly believe I am in love with a boy. So, already in my life, I have had two loves... how many more am I allowed? How many electrons are you allowed to bond with before all magnetic attraction is gone? Is it possible, as fear-inducing and hopeless as this may be, that eventually you run out chances to bond? You reach your 'I love you/bonding' quota??

Maybe someday I will run across my previous loves and realize that they are the electron that completes me... but for now I'm scared that I only have a few more good bonds in me before I'm toast. This is borderline ridiculous, seeing as how I'm only twenty... but...

It's come to a point in my life where people in my class, people who I went to high school with, my close friends are slowly entering serious relationships, becoming engaged, getting married, having children... the extreme pressure to keep up with these relationship overachievers is daunting. Suddenly, I find myself in a state of panic: Why am I not long term bonding? Should I be engaged? Is there something wrong with me? Have I missed my chance? Did I meet my electron and just miss the feeling, or did I feel it and give up on it?

And what makes this even harder, as a gay man, is the overbearing feeling from the community (or at least my generation), that monogamy is blasphemy, and hook-ups and one night stands are Law. There's fear of commitment. Gay men my age seem to not be interested allowing themselves to bond completely with another, but instead, find quick satisfaction and run, bouncing from one electron orbit to the next searching for the next fast fix. Of course, this is a generalization, there are guys out there who want commitment, but those electrons are far and few between and a little harder to find in this expansive universe. 

And then I remind myself... You're 20. You have plenty of time. Stop stressing. 

How can I when the fear of forever scouring the universe for 'The One' is constantly thrown in my face from every angle? When marriage is the IN thing, growing up is what expected of you, and finding your other half is a necessity... It's exhausting!

And what if...

Just... what if...

'The One' isn't a man at all. And the whole world has got it wrong. What if it's not a lover? Who says your missing electron can't be your best friend. In one of my favorite Sex and the City episode, Charlotte brings up the idea that the girls can be each others' soulmates and men are there to have fun with. My friend K.T. joked around her cat could be her soulmate.

In my book, a soulmate is someone who completes you, someone who will accompany you on this journey for the rest of your life. Maybe... we don't need boyfriends to complete us. Maybe we just need love. 

And after a day of stressing out over past boyfriends and this newly founded string theory, I decided to propose to Diane. I knelt down, extended my hand, and asked Diane to be my soulmate. She said yes. Thank goodness. 

So I will keep surfing through the atomic particles of the world and bonding. And maybe one of the electrons I find with turn out to be the right one for me, and we'll bond for a long, long time. Or maybe, I'll rediscover an electron that I've already bonded with and realize that we belong together. And no matter how much I freak over a quota on love, I know that I decide how many times I can say 'I love you,' I can bond with whomever I want and as many people as I want until I am good and ready. The possibilities are endless, and love is limitless. And should all these bonds fail, I know in the end, it doesn't matter. Because I have something better. Friends who love me, soulmates, like Diane, who will be with me through magnetic storms, and atomic fissures, or whatever the heck atoms have to go through.

Maybe, I'll find my electron, maybe I won't, maybe I already have, maybe he doesn't exist

And maybe it's the people that I hold closest to my heart.

Whatever the situation may be...

The possibilities are endless, and love is limitless.