Tgiving...

I am thankful for...

The movie Legally Blonde, because without it I don't think I could have made it through the past few weeks.

Haterz. Because without the haterz I wouldn't be getting ready for when I'm famous and the tabloid magazines are gonna be talking about me all the time.

Underdog stories. Because lately that is what I identify most with. The person being dragged down by the Man, the people with power who just want to bring someone trying to express themselves down. But the underdog doesn't give up. He/she believes in themselves.

My best friend in the world, Diane. Who no matter what is there for me.

My future husband. Whoever you are. I love you.

My friends in Texas and my friend in St. Louis, and any other friends that I have acquired throughout my adventures. You rock.

People who don't get the joke... because you give me something to laugh about later on.

Everyone who reads this blog. I'm sorry I get so busy. I don't want to write stupid blog entries and haven't had time to write something really fantastic... I don't want to give this anything less than the best.

The phrase "laying down the law" because that's my choice expression as of late...

Repugnance... :)

My badass room mate Emily who knows when to tell it to me straight, knows when to comfort, and knows when to be awesome... oh wait, she is all the time.

Especially my family. Because they are love.

And most importantly...

I am thankful for love. And all the love I have experienced and will get to experience.

Happy Tgiving, y'all!

It's been awhile...

"It's been awhile... I shouldn't have kept you waiting..."

~ "Break The Ice" by Britney Spears

God, it's been awhile... A long while since I've really written anything in this blog...

I guess I owe everyone an explanation of why it's been so long... here's a couple reasons I can think up...

1) I've been hella busy. After the Cabaret, I started rehearsals for The Producers, which overlapped with rehearsals for An Evening of Original Plays, and then as soon as that ended I did a alcohol awareness show with my college... I'm back at school and have been adjusting to this new year, new job, new life, new roommate, new everything... I've been finding my college self again... and this upcoming week I start rehearsals for The Rocky Horror Show, where I will be playing Riff-Raff. Yep, I get to sing the Time Warp. Please be jealous.

2) Besides, my extreme theatre schedule for the past three and a half months... my love life hasn't been filled with that much drama... at least drama I can really talk about or would actually be interesting.

At the beginning of summer, I hung out with Spring. We kissed, we cuddled, we smoked cigarettes... It was almost like we had never broke up... Except for the fact that over and over we kept repeating "We're not going to date this summer." Which we didn't. But I'm thankful for that. I've come to the conclusion that at home I am comfortable Resorting back to my 'High School Self' is comfortable. And I am anything but comfortable. Give me an edge, I'd rather walk it than trot along where it's safe and stable.

And so I did start a little drama... flashback to throwing myself at Aiden at the lakehouse, hooking up with Spring, visiting St. Louis and meeting up with my Spain Boy and having a fun weekend with him, talking to Peter on text and phone...

Ok, I lied. Maybe I did have an interesting summer of boys.

Post my failed Aiden reunion, I finally got to meet up with the boy that I had been longing for the entire summer. Spain Boy, who had been in Spain since January, and I had an awesome weekend moving belongings from my old apartment to new. And making out. And cuddling.

Shortly after that I took my relationship status off my facebook. Not because Spain Boy and I ended up dating (I actually told him at the end of the weekend that I wasn't ready to have a boyfriend). I took it down because I didn't want to be single. I wasn't single. I wasn't solitary at all. I was surrounded by people I love, and most importantly I had me. I had myself to carry me through anything.

And in that moment, everything I had been working for over these past months just made sense. And I became a.o.k. with myself. This was after the occurrence of my upcoming third point which is...

3) A little boy made me doubt myself for a hot second this summer. He told me that I was a bad person, and for a moment I didn't love myself. He thought the way I handled certain aspects of my relationships was disgusting and needed evaluation... I put myself out there as a topic to be critiqued through my blog and that I was no Carrie Bradshaw...

And honestly, this little boy made me never want to write again. And then I realized, by him not liking what I wrote, and what my actions were... He had learned something. He had realized that he didn't like my actions, he learned some sort of lesson. He wouldn't handle himself that way... And that made it okay. Does that make sense? More or less... Take what you want from my blog, love me, hate me, say what you want about me but if you take something from my blog, and have learned something about yourself or made some sort of conclusion of the greater world... I've done something right.

Two weeks ago, Erin and I visited Diane and we saw Julie & Julia, and they kept repeating the phrase "No Fear."

And that stayed with me. No fear. I am proud of everything I have accomplished and no person can ever take that away from me. I will face the world without fear, without inhibitions. I will piss people off, I will make people angry, I won't care. Because as long as I'm making an effect... that's all that matters. Everyone else can be boring... I will be extraordinary.

S0... with this new re-discovered self love and appreciation, that has taken me six effin' months to get back... What do I do now? That is the question.

The first step was putting my facebook relationship status back up. Not because I'm necessarily ready for commitment or on the prowl for a new lover, but as proof that I'm not hiding anymore. I'm ready to be 'single' and proud of it. While others are getting engaged around me, getting pregnant, starting lives... I'm happy to be figuring myself out. I had buried myself in my family, my friends, and my art... and through that I learned so much, felt so safe... but I realized after watching Julie & Julia, it was time to let go of fear, take the chance to put myself out there, and show the world that I am finally a.o.k. with being single, loving myself, and living my life.

And I just have to keep reminding myself... just because I'm single... does not mean I'm alone. :)

So maybe this isn't my most clever blog entry, maybe it's a little too fluffly and doesn't deal enough with the tough parts of relationships... I mean there aren't any puns... but I'm making a comeback. It took Britney a good year before she could really make her full comeback...

But I'm going to start now. It's your gay best friend, bitch.

Electrons

"Don't laugh at me, but... maybe we could be each others' soulmates? And then we can let men be these great, nice guys to have fun with?"

~ Charlotte to the girls, SATC Season 4, "The Agony and the 'Ex'-tacy"

In my Playscript Analysis class, we are reading Arcadia by Tom Stoppard. In the show, a lot of mathematical mumbo jumbo is talked about that often goes way over my head. I'm not stupid, but mathematics is just well... boring to me. I think its incredibly impressive and I have respect for any person who can tackle the beast that is mathematics, but on a completely personal basis... I would just rather write about my feelings. Go fig. 

Anyway, we had presentations on different things mentioned within the show. We talked about Mandelbrot sets, Julia sets, chaos theory, and quantum physics. When we were on the topic of quantum physics, my friend and future roommate, Emily, mentioned a thing called string theory.

In string theory, it states that an atom can be split into two different parts, into two different electrons and then sent to either parts of the universe. Even though these electrons are stranded on either side of the great abyss that is the universe, they will be irrevocably drawn to each other, constantly searching to find each other, to bond, and to complete the atom.

Are we electrons? Scattered across the universe from the other half of ourselves, scouring all of the stars, planets, and meteors to find the tiny atomic particle that can complete us? 

When Emily told me about string theory, I instinctively replied with a fantasy filled sigh, romanticizing about how somewhere out there is a little electron that is drawn to me, ready to complete me. 

...but really... is there?

People spend their entire lives searching for their 'soulmates.' The person that they were designed for. But, are we truly designed to complete another person? Or is the idea of a 'soulmate' something someone once upon a time came up with to play pretend and convince him/herself that he/she isn't completely alone?

I think these scientists and mathematicians or whoever deals with these theories is on to something. My friend, Dani, and I were talking about this electron theory. Dani, a pre-med/biology/philosophy major, of course knew exactly what I was talking about and elaborated on this new theory.

She told me, that although the soulmate electrons are destined to be constantly pulled towards each other, on the journey to find 'The One,' the electrons are able to bond with other electrons, they bond with these electrons until they are done, take what they need, and move on continuing their search for their other half. 

So maybe we are electrons. In the big scheme of things, that's what dating is all about. You date, you find a person that your particles can match up with, you bond, and when the time has come to move on you do until you find the person you are meant to be with, the electron that allows you to complete yourself. Your soulmate.

I brought up the electron string theory to my friend, Andrew. Andrew thought the theory was interesting and then said something that really struck me, "You never really know who you 'missing electron' is, but you'll find out when you meet them." Now, I'm sure this wasn't the implied intention, but my overcomplicated, over-thinking began stirring like crazy. Do you know instantly when you meet your electron that they are the one? What if you don't realize that person is your electron until much later in time? What if it's too late?

I have an enormous fear. Probably the thing that worries me most about the dating scene. In my six years of electron adventure, I have already said 'I love you' to two separate boyfriends. Now, I'm an 'I love you' prude. I do not let those three words out unless I truly believe I am in love with a boy. So, already in my life, I have had two loves... how many more am I allowed? How many electrons are you allowed to bond with before all magnetic attraction is gone? Is it possible, as fear-inducing and hopeless as this may be, that eventually you run out chances to bond? You reach your 'I love you/bonding' quota??

Maybe someday I will run across my previous loves and realize that they are the electron that completes me... but for now I'm scared that I only have a few more good bonds in me before I'm toast. This is borderline ridiculous, seeing as how I'm only twenty... but...

It's come to a point in my life where people in my class, people who I went to high school with, my close friends are slowly entering serious relationships, becoming engaged, getting married, having children... the extreme pressure to keep up with these relationship overachievers is daunting. Suddenly, I find myself in a state of panic: Why am I not long term bonding? Should I be engaged? Is there something wrong with me? Have I missed my chance? Did I meet my electron and just miss the feeling, or did I feel it and give up on it?

And what makes this even harder, as a gay man, is the overbearing feeling from the community (or at least my generation), that monogamy is blasphemy, and hook-ups and one night stands are Law. There's fear of commitment. Gay men my age seem to not be interested allowing themselves to bond completely with another, but instead, find quick satisfaction and run, bouncing from one electron orbit to the next searching for the next fast fix. Of course, this is a generalization, there are guys out there who want commitment, but those electrons are far and few between and a little harder to find in this expansive universe. 

And then I remind myself... You're 20. You have plenty of time. Stop stressing. 

How can I when the fear of forever scouring the universe for 'The One' is constantly thrown in my face from every angle? When marriage is the IN thing, growing up is what expected of you, and finding your other half is a necessity... It's exhausting!

And what if...

Just... what if...

'The One' isn't a man at all. And the whole world has got it wrong. What if it's not a lover? Who says your missing electron can't be your best friend. In one of my favorite Sex and the City episode, Charlotte brings up the idea that the girls can be each others' soulmates and men are there to have fun with. My friend K.T. joked around her cat could be her soulmate.

In my book, a soulmate is someone who completes you, someone who will accompany you on this journey for the rest of your life. Maybe... we don't need boyfriends to complete us. Maybe we just need love. 

And after a day of stressing out over past boyfriends and this newly founded string theory, I decided to propose to Diane. I knelt down, extended my hand, and asked Diane to be my soulmate. She said yes. Thank goodness. 

So I will keep surfing through the atomic particles of the world and bonding. And maybe one of the electrons I find with turn out to be the right one for me, and we'll bond for a long, long time. Or maybe, I'll rediscover an electron that I've already bonded with and realize that we belong together. And no matter how much I freak over a quota on love, I know that I decide how many times I can say 'I love you,' I can bond with whomever I want and as many people as I want until I am good and ready. The possibilities are endless, and love is limitless. And should all these bonds fail, I know in the end, it doesn't matter. Because I have something better. Friends who love me, soulmates, like Diane, who will be with me through magnetic storms, and atomic fissures, or whatever the heck atoms have to go through.

Maybe, I'll find my electron, maybe I won't, maybe I already have, maybe he doesn't exist

And maybe it's the people that I hold closest to my heart.

Whatever the situation may be...

The possibilities are endless, and love is limitless.