It's been awhile...

"It's been awhile... I shouldn't have kept you waiting..."

~ "Break The Ice" by Britney Spears

God, it's been awhile... A long while since I've really written anything in this blog...

I guess I owe everyone an explanation of why it's been so long... here's a couple reasons I can think up...

1) I've been hella busy. After the Cabaret, I started rehearsals for The Producers, which overlapped with rehearsals for An Evening of Original Plays, and then as soon as that ended I did a alcohol awareness show with my college... I'm back at school and have been adjusting to this new year, new job, new life, new roommate, new everything... I've been finding my college self again... and this upcoming week I start rehearsals for The Rocky Horror Show, where I will be playing Riff-Raff. Yep, I get to sing the Time Warp. Please be jealous.

2) Besides, my extreme theatre schedule for the past three and a half months... my love life hasn't been filled with that much drama... at least drama I can really talk about or would actually be interesting.

At the beginning of summer, I hung out with Spring. We kissed, we cuddled, we smoked cigarettes... It was almost like we had never broke up... Except for the fact that over and over we kept repeating "We're not going to date this summer." Which we didn't. But I'm thankful for that. I've come to the conclusion that at home I am comfortable Resorting back to my 'High School Self' is comfortable. And I am anything but comfortable. Give me an edge, I'd rather walk it than trot along where it's safe and stable.

And so I did start a little drama... flashback to throwing myself at Aiden at the lakehouse, hooking up with Spring, visiting St. Louis and meeting up with my Spain Boy and having a fun weekend with him, talking to Peter on text and phone...

Ok, I lied. Maybe I did have an interesting summer of boys.

Post my failed Aiden reunion, I finally got to meet up with the boy that I had been longing for the entire summer. Spain Boy, who had been in Spain since January, and I had an awesome weekend moving belongings from my old apartment to new. And making out. And cuddling.

Shortly after that I took my relationship status off my facebook. Not because Spain Boy and I ended up dating (I actually told him at the end of the weekend that I wasn't ready to have a boyfriend). I took it down because I didn't want to be single. I wasn't single. I wasn't solitary at all. I was surrounded by people I love, and most importantly I had me. I had myself to carry me through anything.

And in that moment, everything I had been working for over these past months just made sense. And I became a.o.k. with myself. This was after the occurrence of my upcoming third point which is...

3) A little boy made me doubt myself for a hot second this summer. He told me that I was a bad person, and for a moment I didn't love myself. He thought the way I handled certain aspects of my relationships was disgusting and needed evaluation... I put myself out there as a topic to be critiqued through my blog and that I was no Carrie Bradshaw...

And honestly, this little boy made me never want to write again. And then I realized, by him not liking what I wrote, and what my actions were... He had learned something. He had realized that he didn't like my actions, he learned some sort of lesson. He wouldn't handle himself that way... And that made it okay. Does that make sense? More or less... Take what you want from my blog, love me, hate me, say what you want about me but if you take something from my blog, and have learned something about yourself or made some sort of conclusion of the greater world... I've done something right.

Two weeks ago, Erin and I visited Diane and we saw Julie & Julia, and they kept repeating the phrase "No Fear."

And that stayed with me. No fear. I am proud of everything I have accomplished and no person can ever take that away from me. I will face the world without fear, without inhibitions. I will piss people off, I will make people angry, I won't care. Because as long as I'm making an effect... that's all that matters. Everyone else can be boring... I will be extraordinary.

S0... with this new re-discovered self love and appreciation, that has taken me six effin' months to get back... What do I do now? That is the question.

The first step was putting my facebook relationship status back up. Not because I'm necessarily ready for commitment or on the prowl for a new lover, but as proof that I'm not hiding anymore. I'm ready to be 'single' and proud of it. While others are getting engaged around me, getting pregnant, starting lives... I'm happy to be figuring myself out. I had buried myself in my family, my friends, and my art... and through that I learned so much, felt so safe... but I realized after watching Julie & Julia, it was time to let go of fear, take the chance to put myself out there, and show the world that I am finally a.o.k. with being single, loving myself, and living my life.

And I just have to keep reminding myself... just because I'm single... does not mean I'm alone. :)

So maybe this isn't my most clever blog entry, maybe it's a little too fluffly and doesn't deal enough with the tough parts of relationships... I mean there aren't any puns... but I'm making a comeback. It took Britney a good year before she could really make her full comeback...

But I'm going to start now. It's your gay best friend, bitch.

Would you rather...

"It's not hard to make decisions when you know what you're values are."
~ Roy Disney

So, this morning I downloaded an application on my iPhone. It's a variation of those silly "Would You Rather" books called What Would You Choose. For those who live under a giant boulder, the books ask you a question and gives you a choice between two ridiculous answers. One of my favorites from a few years back was: "Would you rather have sex with the Scarecrow or the Tin Man?" Classy.

Anywho, the iPhone edition has special categories that'll only ask you specific questions concerning those categories. I felt how perfect for this blog, if I posted some of my answers for the love category. I dunno, it might be fun...

Ok, let's dive in...

Would you rather be...

1) be forgotten or be hatefully remembered

I don't know what this is doing in the 'love' category. I guess in a post-relationships sense... I think this could also be appropriote in the 'life events' category if you think about it on a bigger scale.

In the musical, Assassins (we're performing selections from it in the Cabaret, so it's on my mind...) there is a powerful moment when the group of Assassins is trying to coerce Lee Harvey Oswald into shooting at JFK. In that moment, they are pleading, using every tactic to bring about this inevitable tragedy.

Oswald retorts: "People will hate me."
To which the assassins respond, "They will hate you with a passion... imagine, people feeling passionate about Lee Harvey Oswald..."

For someone who has been ignored his entire life, that moment makes the world click for him. He will be a part of history, and despite the negativety that comes with this heinous act, he does it. Why? Because its better to be hatefully remembered, than to never have made an effect on the world. It's better to have people think about you... even in the worst way, than to be completely forgotten.

I do not support Lee Harvey Oswald or assassinations... I just was being a theatre dork and making a musical theatre reference. I'm not a creep, I promise.

Now to bring it back to something postive... I would rather my exboyfriends remember me, whether its hatefully or not, because that means I had an effect on them. They've learned something and grown from it. That's all I want in life. To help people learn, whether its because I did something wrong, or whatever, as long as their is evolution... as long as there is change... I have done something right. So go on and hate me, exes... at least I had an effect on you...

2) find true life-long love or get 10 million dollars

Cynical, bitter James says 10 million dollars. Romantic, cheesy James says true life-long love. James, in general says... I want both.

3) marry your first love but have to divorce or never be able to marry but love anyone

I would rather spend my life with in love than have to divorce the person I care about most in the world. I never want to have a divorce... I want the man I marry to be The One, the one who will be with my for the rest of my life. Those vows actually mean something to me... Sickness, health, for better, for worse... cherish for the rest of my life. Sometimes divorce is inevitable... but maybe that's why we shouldn't settle for anything less that what we feel is extraordinary... then maybe marriage would last and divorce wouldn't be such a widely available option.

And for the second half, while I think marriage is fantastic and something I want... I would rather have love than marriage. I would rather spend the rest of my mornings waking up next to the person I love than have a stupid paper tell me how I feel.

But thank goodness I don't really have to make this choice, cuzzzz I wanna get married and love who ever the heck I want :)

4) be with someone you don't love forever or never have the one person you can't get over

I hate this question. This question imbodies my greatest fears of missing out on my true love and never being able to have them and settling for someone that I don't love.

Pass.

5) have no heart at all or have a broken heart that never heals

Have not heart at all. I'd rather be cold and cut off than mope all the time. Diane and I lately have this joke where we give up all our feelings and become completely indifferent to the world. That way we don't make stupid mistakes when we follow our heart instead of doing what we know is right.

Then again, having a broken heart... imagine all the fantastic art, plays, and emotions that could come from that...

No, give me indifference. A lot less stress...


So that's me... what would you choose?

It's about time

(Notice: Here's a little game to play. I have riddled this blog post with cliches and puns about time... how many can you spot?? It's like I Spy... with puns... I hope you have a good time! Does that one count?)

"They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself."

~ Andy Warhol

Let's take some time... and talk about it.

Yep, let's talk about time.

There are hundreds of stupid time cliches that riddle through our lives. It's all in the timing - time heals all wounds - it's a matter of time - all the time in the world - etc etc. I could on forever. I think time is a really interesting thing, I mean it has to be, there's a huge magazine named after it... and the real question that has been plaguing my mind for the past few months, how does time play into a relationship and love? What are the affects that time has on a relationship?

And I couldn't help but wonder what do we do with our time? When it comes to love and relationships, if our time is of the essence, how can we possibly slow down and take our time?

There are a few things that have stirred on my current tryst with time.

First off, let's start of with me being bitter and cynical. I find myself more and more cynical as the days go by. I think it's that High School Self thing again. Being home, I'm slowly starting to retreat in my High School Self's disbelief in love and the concept that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I didn't realize how obsessed I am with love until I got home and started remembering a time before I fell into it.

Anyway, the thing that really started me off on my bitter binge, there is a gay couple in St. Louis that I go to school with (or at least this year at some point in time I went with) who met last November. One of them goes to school in St. Louis while the other originated in Spain and was studying abroad in the Lou. Well, the inevitable happened and the one boy returned to Spain while the other did his time in St. Louis.... they should have fallen apart, right?

No, they didn't. They just celebrated they're seven month anniversary. Are you kidding me? How is this possible? Oh, and did I mention they're moving in together now?

Now, what gets me most bitter about this how situation is that my last two serious relationships, both involved a little bit of distance... well one involved a little distance and the other involved six hours of distance and neither really worked out. And by never worked out, I mean they're both really complicated and off-the-wall relationships now.

At first I blamed my boys... they were immature and couldn't handle such a serious time commitment. Then, I convinced myself at first that maybe I just wasn't a long distance kind of guy. I need quality time in a relationship, I need to spend lots of time together, I have to have a sufficient amount of couple time and not just on the phone... And eventually my personal defeat festered in to a full blown cynicism. I had resigned myself that long distance relationships never work out, it's not possible. Long distance relationships are like creating an imaginary friend that you fantasize about sleeping with and talk every once in awhile...

And then this stupid couple's life appears in my facebook feed and my severe case of cynicism evolves into a fatal case of bitterness. Which, of course, is followed by me going to check my e-mail and on the Yahoo mainpage is an article about how it is healthy for at some point in time a couple does a little bit of long distance... it's good for them..

Pardon my language but,

Are you fucking kidding me?

How can I not even make a six hour long distance relationship work when this couple is an ocean apart from each other? How can this stupid article tell me that having distance is good for a couple when that's the thing that ruined everything in my last relationship?

Both of these previous relationship dives into distance, both said during our break ups that the timing was bad. We pined over the fact that we should have met and gotten together some time from now, when we were ready to be together and handle a big time long relationship. Then the timing would have worked out.

If time apart doesn't tear a couple apart but instead makes for a better time... what's wrong with me? Why can't I make this relationship that means the world to me work instead of it being a complicated mess?

Wow, I'm being needy, ridiculous, and dramatic... what's new...

Maybe, I need to stop placing the blame (and stop taking it out on this poor couple that I've honestly talked to the members of twice in my life) and start figuring this thing out.

So, if timing was the problem, should I just wait it out? I mean, I know whenever this boy is ready to commit, I know the relationship is going to be fantastic... but...

In Cabaret rehearsal, we've talked a lot about wasting time. People coming late to rehearsal, which sends our rehearsal schedule off, which sometimes causes actors to wait around and do nothing. By waiting around... Am I wasting my time?

I'm not the kind of guy who waits around for someone. I have to find something to occupy my time whether it be theatre, a relationship... something to keep my busy. I don't function well when I have nothing to do.

So I find something to pass my time while I wait for my upcoming relationship, or waiting for an old relationship to come back... and it's fun for the time being, but never as good as the real thing. And I guess that's where the wasting time comes into. But then the stupid idea that 'true love waits' comes ringing into my ears. While true love waits, time waits for no man, and thus you have to move on with you're life. Or find something to do while you wait for your life to move on. Or someone to do. Or a hobby not boy related.

I got cast in an upcoming production of The Producers as a dancer. That'll keep me busy for the rest of the summer. Keep my mind of being bitter, and cursing successful couples, while I twiddle my toes and wait....

And then you get a text from that someone. And you have a fun conversation. And everything is okay. It reminds you that maybe... you can make a relationship work out, love is real, and that it's just a matter for time and patience. I'm not the boys in that couple. I'm my own person who needs different things. But when all the time has passed, you remember how worth it the whole thing will be. Time stands still... and for a short time, you smile and forget the cynicism, the bitterness, the jealousy... and remember you have love. There is someone who loves you. And it makes it okay.

I'm ready to go back to St. Louis. I want to hurry up, because once I get there... I'll have all the time in the world to fall in love. But right now... it's not the time and place.

Maybe it won't take so long... Time flies after all....

A little mood music...

“I think all the boys that write the screaming stuff would write the best love songs.... because they have the most to hide. The guys that are in the most pain are usually the ones with the biggest hearts.”

~ Tori Amos

I've been pondering the past couple of days what my next blog entry should be and every pondering-session I come up dry. I could talk about how my bad weekend evolved into a week of so many ups and and downs, I couldn't even handle myself. I could talk about a couple issues that have been bugging me... but for some reason I can't wrap myself around the idea of writing about any of those things. Maybe it's because in this moment, all I care about it a song.

So forgive me. I'm having one of those moments. I'm giving into my 12 year old middle schooler and feeling the need to post angsty, emotion-filled lyrics to my angsty, emotion filled song that has got me through this week. 

There are times when a song strikes so close to home that you can't help but put it on repeat. And listen to it over and over again. I downloaded this song late Wednesday night (I was pulling an all nighter to get an assignment done... let's just say I stayed up for 30 hours straight... and I don't do the 'all nighter' thing... or the 'no sleep' thing... or the 'fully function after pulling an all nighter' thing...) and it is already #4 on my "Top 25 Most Played" playlist on iTunes. It's been four days of non-stop listening. 

I owe my latest song obsession to K.T. While on one of our many driving around adventures the song came on her iPod shuffle and by the second chorus I was passionately singing along. It struck.

The song is by Robyn. You remember Robyn? The chick that sang "Show Me Love" in the 90s? Please flashback for a second, hum of few lines of one of the most upbeat catchy songs of the decade, and reminisce about the fun you had blasting that song when it came on the radio and belting it out. 

The song is called, "Be Mine!" The song speaks for itself.  The song speaks for me.

Lyrics... go:

It's a good thing, tears never show in the pouring rain
As if a good thing ever could make up for all the pain
There'll be no last chance to promise to never mess it up again
Just a sweet pain of watching your back as you walk
As I'm watching you walk away
And now you're gone it's like an echo in my head
And I remember every word you said

It's a cold thing you never know all the ways I tried
It's a hard thing faking a smile when I feel like I'm falling apart inside
And now you're gone it's like an echo in my head
And  I remember every word you said

And you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

For the first time, there's no mercy in your eyes
And the cold wind is hitting my face and you're gone
And you're walking away 
And I'm helpless sometimes
Wishing's just no good
Cause you don't see me like I wish you would

Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

There's a moment to seize everytime that we meet
But you have always keep passing me by

But you never were, and you never will be mine

(I saw you at the station, you had your arm around
What's-her-name? She had on that scarf I gave you
you got down to tie her laces)

Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
(You looked happy and that's great)
No, you never were, and you never will be mine
(I just miss you, that's all)

Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

There's a moment to seize everytime that we meet
But you have always keep passing me by

No, you never were, and you never will be mine
Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

There's a moment to seize everytime that we meet
But you have always keep passing me by
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

---

Sometimes it embarrasses me how dramatic I am. Posting lyrics to a song about heartbreak and proclaiming how in the past four days I've listened it to almost a hundred times? I sound like I'm completely devastated... I'm not. I'm not devastated, I actually think things are actually putting themselves together... I'm finally figuring things out... I just need to calm down on the dramatics... 

So. I'm done with my angsty lyrics and my angsty song and my angsty 12 year old self. I just felt like sharing. Although I don't necessarily feel this way towards anyone (ha, like I would actually believe that I couldn't make someone fall for me? Yeah right... I'm going to be single the rest of my life for this parenthesis... piss...) there's something so raw and honest about the song. It's simple, it's true. It's bittersweet. There's this idea of reaching out for someone and just missing them. And maybe if you reach a little farther... just maybe if you stretch, reach a little more... you can grab a hold...

And I'm just in love with the opening line: "It's a good thing tears never show in the pouring rain"

So. true.

And now for some good news...

We closed The Good Person of Setzuan today! Next up, theatre wise: I'm co-directing a cabaret with Diane this summer in Houston.

Also,

There's this application on facebook called Honesty Box. It's where you can tell you honest feelings about people. I think its stupid and I thought I discontinued it... alas I didn't... and maybe it was a good thing. This evening as I logged on to facebook I got a notification from 'Honesty Box' about how someone left something in the box about me. Curious, I checked. There was a message form an anonymous male... It said:

"I think that if I don't marry you the lucky S.O.B. will have to get shot"

Thank you whoever you are. You've made my life. 

From a treacherous weekend, to a treacherous week, to listen to bittersweet songs of heartbreak...

It's nice to have a reminder that there is someone who actually wants to be with me

And would possibly kill to do so :)

Of course there's someone I wish wrote this, and someone I think probably wrote this, and someone that might really disappoint me if he wrote this... but none-the-less, authorship aside, the fact that its just a stupid FB application and possibly just a joke aside...

It's nice to know (or at least pretend for a second)

There is someone who maybe actually wants to be mine.