My tongue is stupid. My heart isn't.

Tonight I saw a fantastic play. Probably the most beautifully written play I ever had the chance to see. The productions was spectacular, the acting was superb, but the writing... the writing is what made is amazing.

It's a pretty well known play... Amadeus by Peter Shaffer.

If you haven't seen the play, most people have seen the movie... I hadn't. I hadn't read the play, or seen the movie or honestly knew much about it.

The story is a memory play of sorts from the point of view of Antoni Salieri. One of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart's contemporaries. Salieri recognizes the power and beauty of Mozart's work and the mediocrity of his own. In turn, Salieri sets out to destory Mozart's life, while continuous living in the idea that he will never have the weight and artistic power and prowess that Mozart has. He will always be... mediocre.

There were two major monologues from the play that struck me. And thank goodness, Emily had been in the play in high school and had the play handy for me to dissect and steal these magnificent quotes from.

Here they are. Just read them for what they are...

"Look at us! Four gaping mouths. What a perfect quartet! I'd love to write it - just this second of time, this now, as you are! Herr Chamberlain thinking: "Impertinent Mozart. I must speak to the Emperor at once!" Herr Prefect thinking: "Ignorant Mozart. Debasing opera with his bulgarity!" Herr Court Composer thinking: "German Mozart. What can he finally know about music?" And Mozart himself, in the middle thinking: "I'm just a good fellow. Why do they all disapprove of me?"

That's why opera is important, Baron. Because it's realer than any play! A dramatic poet would have to put all those thoughts down one after another to represent this second of time. The composer can put them all down at once- and still make us hear each one of them.

Astonishing device: a vocal quartet! I tell you I want to write a finale lasting half an hour! A quartet becoming a quintet becoming a sextet becoming a septet- an octet- a nonet! On and on, wider and wider- all sounds multiplying and rising together- and the Together making a sound entirely new! ...I bet you that's how God hears the world. Millions of sounds ascending at once and mixing in His ear to become an unending music. unimaginable to us! That's our job! That's our job! , we composers: to combine the inner minds of him and him and him and her and her- the thoughts of chambermaids and court composers- and turn the audience into God.

I'm sorry. I talk nonsense all day: it's incurable - ask Stanzerl. My tongue is stupid. My heart isn't."

~ Mozart, "Amadeus" by Peter Shaffer

and...

"I was born a pair of ears, and nothing else. It is only thorug hearing music that I know God exists. Only through writing music that I could worship... All around me men hunger for General Rights. I hungered only for particular notes. They seek Liberty for Mankind. I sought only slavery for myself. To be owned- ordered- exhausted by an Absolute. Music." ~ Salieri, "Amadeus" by Peter Shaffer

I don't really have anything else to say. I could analyze them and all that, but for the moment... I just want to leave them as they are. They are beautiful, poetic, and honest.

You're my perfect little punching bag...

"I decided at 15 that I didn't want to be one of those artists that gets up and sings love songs they don't mean. I decided that I was going to be me to the fullest extent, that my songs were going to reflect relationships I've had, things I've been through, and even the stuff I'm embarrassed about.

~ P!NK

For the past several months I have REFUSED to purchase P!NK's "Please Don't Leave Me" from iTunes. When it would come on the radio I would turn the station. There was something about the stupid song that made my skin crawl. Not because it was a bad song, but the lyrics, her voice, everything about it made my heart hurt. It's not a cry song. It's not a song the strikes a visible emotion... but instead a song that strikes the worst chord, a chord so out of tune and sensitive that it sends the guitar our of control.

Today I downloaded. I accepted what the lyrics meant to me. I accepted that I could relate to this song devastating amounts, and accepted this emotion. I accepted that P!NK probably wrote this song about me... If that makes me pathetic... well, fuck off. I don't care. :)

I don't know if I can yell any louder
How many time I've kicked you outta here?
Or said something insulting?
Da da da, da da

I can be so mean when I wanna be
I am capable of really anything
I can cut you into pieces
But my heart is broken
Da da da, da da

Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

How did I become so obnoxious?
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I've never been this nasty
Da da da, da da

Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest
But baby I don't mean it
I mean it, I promise
Da da da, da da

Please don't leave me
Oh please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me
I cannot be without, you're my perfect little punching bag
And I need you, I'm sorry
Da da da, da da

Da da da da, da da da da
Da da da, da da
Please, please don't leave me
(Da da da, da da)

Baby please don't leave me
(Da da da, da da)
No, don't leave me
Please don't leave me no no no

You say I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back
It's gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

Please don't leave me, oh no no no.
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this

Please don't leave me
Baby, please, please don't leave me

Slipping you on again tonight...

"I think good art happens on that edge between comfortable and in a lot of pain, you know what I mean?"

~ Liz Phair

I was looking through my old CDs and stumbled across Liz Phair's 2003 self-titled album. I've been listening to it like crazy. I forgot how amazing that CD is (yes, I know its the CD she sold out on, I don't care, I love pop music especially sexually explicit/borderline angry/power pop/rock 'n' roll/female rocker chicks). 

One song, in its hilarity, quirky, awesomeness just really hit home. I don't know. I just relate to it. I have a pair of favorite underwear... who doesn't?

Last time I posted lyrics I felt really ashamed, but I've come to realize, sometimes the best way to get to know a person is by checking out the lyrics they relate most to... it tells a story.

"Favorite" by Liz Phair

Don't look sexy but it just feels right

Not too dirty and it's not too tight
Why I never threw it out, I'll never know exactly why

Keep it in the drawer beside my bed
It's faded pink now, but it used to be red
Starting to fray at the seams, but I know that you'll still love me
Like you did, like you did
Like before, like before
Like we will, like we will
Be doin' it once more

Oh baby know what your like?
You're like my favorite underwear
It just feels right, you know it
Oh baby know how you feel?
You feel like my favorite underwear
And I'm slipping you on again tonight

Leave you lyin' on the bedroom floor
I leave you hangin' on the bathroom door
Take you for granted, but I'll always know exactly where you are

Lost you once you were hard to find
Got you back you didn't live like mine
Thought we were falling apart but you make me feel so pretty
Like you did, like you did
Like before, like before
Like we will, like we will
Be doin' it once more

Oh baby know what your like?
You're like my favorite underwear
It just feels right, you know it
Oh baby know how you feel?
You feel like my favorite underwear
And I'm slipping you on again tonight
Slipping you on again tonight

Wrap me and roll me, hold me tight
Tear me apart and make me new
Like you always do

Oh baby know what your like?
You're like my favorite underwear
It just feels right, you know it

You feel you're like this is what I want
You feel, you feel

Oh baby know what your like?
You're like my favorite underwear
It just feels right, you know it

You feel you're like this is what I want
You feel, you feel

Slipping you on again tonight 

A little mood music...

“I think all the boys that write the screaming stuff would write the best love songs.... because they have the most to hide. The guys that are in the most pain are usually the ones with the biggest hearts.”

~ Tori Amos

I've been pondering the past couple of days what my next blog entry should be and every pondering-session I come up dry. I could talk about how my bad weekend evolved into a week of so many ups and and downs, I couldn't even handle myself. I could talk about a couple issues that have been bugging me... but for some reason I can't wrap myself around the idea of writing about any of those things. Maybe it's because in this moment, all I care about it a song.

So forgive me. I'm having one of those moments. I'm giving into my 12 year old middle schooler and feeling the need to post angsty, emotion-filled lyrics to my angsty, emotion filled song that has got me through this week. 

There are times when a song strikes so close to home that you can't help but put it on repeat. And listen to it over and over again. I downloaded this song late Wednesday night (I was pulling an all nighter to get an assignment done... let's just say I stayed up for 30 hours straight... and I don't do the 'all nighter' thing... or the 'no sleep' thing... or the 'fully function after pulling an all nighter' thing...) and it is already #4 on my "Top 25 Most Played" playlist on iTunes. It's been four days of non-stop listening. 

I owe my latest song obsession to K.T. While on one of our many driving around adventures the song came on her iPod shuffle and by the second chorus I was passionately singing along. It struck.

The song is by Robyn. You remember Robyn? The chick that sang "Show Me Love" in the 90s? Please flashback for a second, hum of few lines of one of the most upbeat catchy songs of the decade, and reminisce about the fun you had blasting that song when it came on the radio and belting it out. 

The song is called, "Be Mine!" The song speaks for itself.  The song speaks for me.

Lyrics... go:

It's a good thing, tears never show in the pouring rain
As if a good thing ever could make up for all the pain
There'll be no last chance to promise to never mess it up again
Just a sweet pain of watching your back as you walk
As I'm watching you walk away
And now you're gone it's like an echo in my head
And I remember every word you said

It's a cold thing you never know all the ways I tried
It's a hard thing faking a smile when I feel like I'm falling apart inside
And now you're gone it's like an echo in my head
And  I remember every word you said

And you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

For the first time, there's no mercy in your eyes
And the cold wind is hitting my face and you're gone
And you're walking away 
And I'm helpless sometimes
Wishing's just no good
Cause you don't see me like I wish you would

Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

There's a moment to seize everytime that we meet
But you have always keep passing me by

But you never were, and you never will be mine

(I saw you at the station, you had your arm around
What's-her-name? She had on that scarf I gave you
you got down to tie her laces)

Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
(You looked happy and that's great)
No, you never were, and you never will be mine
(I just miss you, that's all)

Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

There's a moment to seize everytime that we meet
But you have always keep passing me by

No, you never were, and you never will be mine
Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

There's a moment to seize everytime that we meet
But you have always keep passing me by
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

---

Sometimes it embarrasses me how dramatic I am. Posting lyrics to a song about heartbreak and proclaiming how in the past four days I've listened it to almost a hundred times? I sound like I'm completely devastated... I'm not. I'm not devastated, I actually think things are actually putting themselves together... I'm finally figuring things out... I just need to calm down on the dramatics... 

So. I'm done with my angsty lyrics and my angsty song and my angsty 12 year old self. I just felt like sharing. Although I don't necessarily feel this way towards anyone (ha, like I would actually believe that I couldn't make someone fall for me? Yeah right... I'm going to be single the rest of my life for this parenthesis... piss...) there's something so raw and honest about the song. It's simple, it's true. It's bittersweet. There's this idea of reaching out for someone and just missing them. And maybe if you reach a little farther... just maybe if you stretch, reach a little more... you can grab a hold...

And I'm just in love with the opening line: "It's a good thing tears never show in the pouring rain"

So. true.

And now for some good news...

We closed The Good Person of Setzuan today! Next up, theatre wise: I'm co-directing a cabaret with Diane this summer in Houston.

Also,

There's this application on facebook called Honesty Box. It's where you can tell you honest feelings about people. I think its stupid and I thought I discontinued it... alas I didn't... and maybe it was a good thing. This evening as I logged on to facebook I got a notification from 'Honesty Box' about how someone left something in the box about me. Curious, I checked. There was a message form an anonymous male... It said:

"I think that if I don't marry you the lucky S.O.B. will have to get shot"

Thank you whoever you are. You've made my life. 

From a treacherous weekend, to a treacherous week, to listen to bittersweet songs of heartbreak...

It's nice to have a reminder that there is someone who actually wants to be with me

And would possibly kill to do so :)

Of course there's someone I wish wrote this, and someone I think probably wrote this, and someone that might really disappoint me if he wrote this... but none-the-less, authorship aside, the fact that its just a stupid FB application and possibly just a joke aside...

It's nice to know (or at least pretend for a second)

There is someone who maybe actually wants to be mine.