Thursday, April 2, 2009

All I ever wanted...

“I'm tough, ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.”

~ Madonna


Before Setzuan rehearsal, I was trying to decide what I wanted for dinner.

I could make myself a sandwich with what I had in my kitchen. I could walk and grab salad from the Cafeteria place across the street. I could walk down to the Rally’s on the corner of the street and get a burger.

But none of these things really struck my interest. And then, the strangest urge hit me: I wanted popcorn. I wanted a large bag of buttery movie popcorn. There is a movie theater about four buildings down from my apartment, completely in walking distance, I could run out, walk the block, get my popcorn, and be back before I even would have to think about getting ready for rehearsal.

Then came the ever appearing and unavoidable doubts to this popcorn dinner. I should get a salad, it would be healthier. I’m going to look ridiculous walking into the movie theater, buying popcorn, and leaving. I’ll end up eating the whole bad and spend the rest of the night being angry with myself for giving in. People would judge me.

And as these doubts flew at me (similar to when I pelt popcorn at my friends sitting down the row at the movies), I thought to myself, “Who cares?”

All the mattered was in that moment, I wanted the popcorn. It doesn’t matter if people would judge me or think I was ridiculous. It would be what makes me happy in this moment. It’s what I wanted.

So, I set down my laptop, walked the block to the Moolah Temple (our movie theatre), and bought myself a large popcorn and a large Mountain Dew (or MTN Dew as those soda hipsters like to call it now-a-days). And let me tell you… the popcorn… was excellent.

As I walked back to my apartment, I noticed people looking at me. Sure, maybe they were judging me for buying a popcorn and not seeing a movie, but maybe their judgmental thoughts were really a disguise, a façade to cover up the fact that maybe, just maybe, they wanted to go into the Moolah and buy themselves some popcorn to… just because they wanted to.

And I thought to myself, why do we limit ourselves from getting what we want? Instead of going for it, we surrender our wants and give up. Whether it be breaking social norms, encouraging the inevitable judgment of others, or a fear of failure, we have a bad habit of letting go of what we want and letting it get away.

Now, I know you can argue there’s a difference between what we want and what we need and blah blah blah. This isn’t that post. This isn’t that message. For ten minutes, I want to be entirely selfish, because sometimes when we’re worried about being selfless, that’s exactly what we become. Self… less, a loss of self. In work, in relationships, in life. And without self… who are we? Sometimes in this life, we need to be selfish, we need to decide what we want, how we can get it, and go for it. And not to give up, because someone else thinks what we’re doing is wrong, breaking the rules, or too far fetched. As long you’re not hurting someone else,

Go for it.


And so I started thinking about what I wanted:


I want to be a successful actor.

I want to help the world in some way, shape, or form.

I want a family.

I want to be a published author/playwright.

I want to start a professional theatre company.

I want to be a fully realized human.

I want to live in New York City or L.A.

I want to have lots of money. Or at least enough to have a more-than stable lifestyle.

I want to make better decisions.

I want to change lives. Make things better. Help people.

I want to love somebody unconditionally. And maybe be loved in return…

I want to find ‘The One’


And as I came across this last topic of ‘wantage,’ I began to really think about it:

What do I want in ‘The One’?


While I have many ideas about the man I see myself eventually being with for the rest of my life, never have I put them down on paper (or on blog). When a friend of mine asked me what I look for in a man… I stumbled. I wasn’t sure what exactly I find attractive, what I appreciate, what draws me close to someone... My previous boyfriends have been an eclectic bunch: from punk rocker, to pothead, to actor, to Yale student, to large, to small, to white, to black, to prude, to sex-obsessed, to blond, to ginger… I’ve had a good variety.

 And because every boy I have ever dated has been incredibly different than the one before, I’ve never developed a type. I’ve never had a girlfriend look across the room, spot a boy, turn to me and go, “Ooh! That’s your type right there! Do him!” I’m type-less. I am the rare breed of human that is born without an interest archetype. I guess an overall type doesn’t matter to me. Whether he’s a jock, a twink, an emo, an artist… none of it matters.

What I have learned from my previous relationships is what I want. I mean, after all, isn’t that what dating is all about? Figuring out exactly what you are looking for in a significant other.

So I’ve begun compiling another want list: A list of what I want in ‘The One’. Now, the ultimate downfall of a list such as this is not that expectations are high, but they are too specific. I believe that if you want the best, you should strive for the best and settle for nothing less. What causes a relationship to fail is creating such specific wants that a person is unable to fit into the empty puzzle piece you’ve created. Expect the best, but don’t expect an exact carbon copy of your fantasy.


What I want in my significant other (Part I):


I want someone who will help me love the world. In previous relationships, it became so much about loving us as a couple. I don’t want to only love the person I’m with, but instead have the person I’m with help me share love with the world … Does that even make sense?

I want someone who will call me out on my shit. A few relationships back, I was with a boy who would give into my every whim, agreed with everything I had to say… at times I would say things that were clearly wrong and he still would agree with me. I hated it. I want someone who can say, “You’re being an idiot” and put me in my place.

I want someone who puts relationships above alcohol and other substances. Partying, smoking, etc. is a blast. I love going to parties, getting drunk, having a good time, doing crazy stuff… but the person I’m with has to be able to put me before all those things.

I want someone who will listen to me when I’m being emotional and ridiculous and tell me everything is going to be okay.

I want someone who is willing to drop all defenses and let me in. Vice versa, I want someone who I can completely be myself around, drop my defenses, and let them into my inner world.

I want someone who is a good kisser who matches my kissing style. No aggressive kissing for me. Put your tongue in my mouth on the first kiss, and we’re done. Hit my teeth with your teeth and we’re also done. I’ve dated too many terrible kissers, and I know I’m destined to date a few more…

I want someone who can have fun. I get so serious and caught up in my work, I need someone who can bring me back down.

I want someone who will dance with me. Whether it’s a raving dance party for two or a romantic, slow dance.

I want someone who I really connect with sexually. Sorry, I want to be really attracted to the person and have awesome sex. Sue me.

…but at the same time I want someone who I can be sexual with but also respects sex as something more than physical but as part of love. And since I don’t give it up, someone who is willing to wait until we’re both ready to, putting it bluntly, do it.

I want someone who wants to change the world.

I want someone who will play video games with me and humor my inner geek.

I want someone who will watch endless episodes of Sex and the City with me and have deep discussions about love, sex, and friendship.

I want someone I feel comfortable being naked in front of. And not only while being physical, but while we’re not.

I want someone who loves to cuddle. And hold hands.

I want someone who loves to laugh.

I want someone who will go on walks with me in the early morning, in the afternoon, and late at night.

I want someone who will let me love them. I want someone who will let me shower them with love. And someone who will shower me back. Not necessarily really romantic things, gifts, or grand loving acts, but more the feeling of love. I want to be constantly immersed within love.

I want someone who makes mistakes, and does stupid things, and gets in fights with me. I want someone who makes me see what’s wrong with me and help me change it. I want someone who learns from what’s happening and become better.

I want someone who makes me better.

I want someone who believes in forgiveness.

I want someone who isn’t afraid to break the rules. Or at least bend them a little bit.

I want someone who I can be stupid with. Who I can be a total spaz and who will be weird and a spaz with me. I want to feel comfortable being my weird, complicated self with this person.

I want someone who loves me. With everything he is.



…so I want a lot of things. And this list isn’t even close to being complete.

But what I have learned from creating this list, from my previous relationships, from my popcorn dinner is:

We should never settle for anything less than what we want. No matter what the want may be. You’re allowed to be a little selfish now and then. As long as no one is hurt (physically or emotionally), we should reach for the stars and never settle for anything short of cosmic.

Whether it be a large bag of popcorn

Or a lover who can give you what you need

Decide what you want

And no matter what people say

Or the inevitable feelings of doubt…


Go Get It.


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