Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Until now, I always got by on my own...

"I want to do with you what spring does with cherry trees."
~Pablo Neruda

In 1987, Heart scored the biggest hit of their career as a band by asking the age old question... The question that every person who has ever had a crush on someone ponders, the question that one asks when he or she becomes instinctively attracted to the person across the room, the question that seems to to have an impossible answer especially when you want it the most...

The question is... How do I get you alone?

Isn't that all we want anyway? Someone who can take us from our state of singularity and take us from being a single being to being two people against the world, two people together, two people alone but ultimately devoted.

So... how do you do it? How do you get that one person alone with you... and then once that person is actually alone with you... what do you do?

In one of my theatre classes today, we had an actor from New York come and talk to us about life in NYC. In between my fantasies of living the SATC life in Manhattan, the actor mentioned a something that really struck me. The most unattractive thing to someone who is going to cast you is desperation. Never at any point in time can you seem like you are desperate for the role, the lack of confidence, control, and the overabundant sense of neediness will turn off any producer/director/person who is interested in casting you.

The same is true of relationships. It goes back to the same idea I've talked about a million times, you can't get alone with someone, until you are confident being alone with yourself. It's at that moment that you feel sure of yourself that you can feel sure of another person and not depend upon them for the answers, the support, and the justification. You already have it.

Another idea he talked about was that to be cast in a show, you can't go into the audition or callback thinking "I'm going to get cast. I'm going to get the job." Instead, you have to go in to the audition and say "I going to show how I would play this character, I'm doing this because I want to show them how I would interpret the character." By making it about the character, your objectives and choices shine clearly, its at that moment a deeper connection can be established and the director can see you becoming the character and making decisions as opposed to someone who is cannot bring anything to the role, but instead is looking for the the credit or the pay.

Once again, the same is true of relationships. You can't go into it thinking, "I'm going to get a relationship." That's stupid. That's not how you get relationships. At least lasting ones. The art of getting alone, and when I say alone in this sense I don't mean just for sexual purposes (although that's part of what I'm talking about), I mean it as a deep bond between two people that can evolve in something... the art of getting alone is about connection. "I want to connect with this person..." instead of "I want to be in a relationship with this person." Suddenly the perspective changes, instead of setting yourself up for an ultimate failure, you instead set yourself up to learn a little more about the person, and with each different connection (whether its similar interests, both of you laughing over a joke, sharing the same feeling at the same moment...) the bond becomes a little deeper. This bond is sometimes instantaneous, sometimes it requires years to develop something deep enough to warrant some 'alone' time.

The connections can never be manipulative. In acting, you play an objective. You have a goal. This goal cannot be manipulative.

Hey, guess what I'm going to say?

The same is true of relationships. You got it. You cannot "make someone love you." That's wrong and deceitful. Instead the objective should be, "I'm going to remind the man I'm interested of all I am as a person." You can't control another person, you can only try and make them see something they didn't see before, help them understand something unknown about you...

Ok, so great, I've given all these little tips, but you know what? Just like theatre, you can know all the technical aspects of it, read as many books as you own, but in the end, once you hit that stage all that disappears and you've just got to do it.

So, I'm ready. I'm ready to do it. And I return to the question, how do I get you alone?

Honestly... I don't even know.

This is where friends come in. They give you an awesome balance of right and wrong and the more friends you have the more opinions you can get. That's one thing I have learned from being more open about my relationships with the people around me is that I don't know everything, neither do my friends, but having them there to give their two cents brings me closer to a reasonable answer.

When I'm cruising on a hottie, my friends normally get recitation of my texts, dramatic interps of conversations, so that they can talk to me about it and I can get feedback. Of course there are friends who I take their advice with a grain of salt or just avoid all together. You have to be smart. But I have a select group of lovely ladies that I depend upon for their opinions on my situations. That's the first step, use your friends. That's what they're there for. To reach the great destination of Alone, you don't necessarily have to take the journey alone.

I'm in the current position of where I don't want to come off too needy or interested. Needy is not hot. At all. Desperate? Not hot. And it's not that I'm desperate, by any means. You've read the blog, I'm happy being on my own right now. It's just a difficult time when too much affection becomes a turn off. It really is. When someone is all about you, it's not cute and it pulls you away from the connection. Balance. And its a fine line to balance on. One must skillfully execute a plan in which one has enough time together to show interest, yet enough space to keep the interest growing. It takes alone separation before you can be alone together.

Having patience sucks. Or at least the need to have it. Things aren't instantaneous. Well, sometimes they are. But most of the time they're not. Sometimes it takes a little time to get alone. And sometimes that person has no interest back. That also sucks. But it happens. You have to accept it and move on. But don't give up until you've given it a try. And don't choke. Choking sucks. Just go for it. The end.

So, after writing all of this, after thinking through all these things I have a clearer perspective, and with this clearer perspective I have an even stronger drive and the question continues to resonate... While there is no clear shot you get alone with someone, you simply have to continue to make those connections, remain a balance between interest and over the top, and be yourself and be happy with yourself if it doesn't work out. And keep using that drive and asking that question...

No, really... how do I get you alone?

Sunday, September 20, 2009

A Little Night Music

"Art, in itself, is an attempt to bring order out of chaos."
~ Stephen Sondheim

I've found myself falling in love with a song from Sondheim's musical, Sunday in the Park With George. I want to be in this show so bad. It's stunning, the way Lapine and Sondheim create a story out of Seurat's "A Sunday on La Grand Jatte".

Sometimes I listen to it and hear myself in Dot. George's lover who is leaving him now that she is raising a child, emotionally forgotten and disregarded by George. Begging for some sort of verification to validate her existence and purpose in George's life.

Sometimes I listen to it and hear myself in George. The artist consumed with his work who seems to have drifted from reality, drifted from the love of people, and buried himself in the love of art.

Sometimes I listen... and that's just what I do...

Yes, George, run to your work.
Hide behind your painting.
I have come to tell you I am leaving because I thought you might
care to know-foolish of me, because you care about nothing-

I care about many things-

Things-not people.

People, too. I cannot divide my feelings up as neatly as you,
and I am not hiding behind my canvas-I am living in it.

What you care for is yourself.

I care for this painting. You will be in this painting.

I am something you can use.

I had thought you understood.

It's because I understand that I left,
That I am leaving.

Then there's nothing I can say,
Is there?

Yes. George, there is:
You could tell me not to go.
Say it to me.
Tell me not to go.
Tall me that you're hurt,
Tell me you're relieved,
Tell me that you're bored-
Anything, but don't assume I know.
Tell me what you feel!

What I feel?
You know exactly how I feel.
Why do you insist
You must hear the words,
When you know I cannot give you words?
Not the ones you need.
There's nothing to say.
I cannot be what you want.

What do you want, George?

I needed you and you left.

There was no room for me-

You will not accept who I am.
I am what I do-
Which you knew,
Which you always knew,
Which I thought you were a part of!

You are complete, George,
You are your own.
We do not belong together.
You are complete, George,
You all alone.
I am unfinished,
I am diminished
With or without you.

We do not belong together,
And we should have belonged together.
What made it so right together
Is what made it all wrong.

No one is you, George.
There you agree,
But others will do, George.
No one is you and
No one can be,
But no one is me, George,
No one is me.
We do not belong together.
And we'll never belong-!

You have a mission,
A mission to see.
Now I have one too, George.
And we should have belonged together.
I have to move on.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

My baby just wrote me a letter...

"To send a letter is a good way to go somewhere without moving anything but your heart."
~Phyllis Theroux

So I stole this idea from my friend Morgan. She writes letter to her future spouse, and I think that's beautiful. So I did it. Just to see. And there's something really great about it. I dunno. Here's what I wrote:

Dear future husband,

As I sit in my Intro to Comm class, I feel like writing you a letter. Whomever you may be. I hope your day is going well where ever you are. My plan is to occasionally look up during this lecture to make it look like I'm listening... I just put in my two cents about conceptual definition of popularity. I think I'm good to go.

I am over school. It gets harder everyday to keep focused. All I can think about is getting in shape and theatre. I feel like I don't even hang out with my friends anymore I am so consumed by the excessive work and stress school puts on me, that I don't have time for friends. I only have friends at rehearsals or people who see me at work...

Thank God you're not around... I don't think I would even have time for you right now. And that's one thing I would never want to do to you. I wnat you to be my priority. I want to always make time for you, and not feel like its a chore. I want you to feel the same way. I want to be your top priority. That's how I'll know you're the one... when suddenly I'll put you above everything... even theatre. And you'll come to know, my biggest passion is theatre. It's my everything. You'll be my everything. I get excited thinking about that moment when I realize you are everything.

I love how you trust me. When I do stupid things you know its never to hurt you. Sometimes I make mistakes, but its never malicious. You recognize my work, my art, my writing for all that it is instead of finding its flaw and tearing it apart. Of course you tell me I've done something wrong.

I am devoted to you. Completely and entirely. Sometimes I need to throw my hands up in the air and say I am yours to remind you, but you know. You always know.

We get in fights. That's inevitable. We know how to have a good fight. Sorry I'm super headstrong. But I'm glad you're not afraid of me. These fights better us, though, you know? I don't feel defeated when your mad at me. Instead I want to figure it out, work together, and find each other on a deeper level. And then we can kiss after.

It's really therapeutic writing to you. Whoever you are. Because it gives me hope that you're out there. That someday I'm going to actually hand this letter to you, and any other letters I have written and everything in them will be true.

Thank you for loving me for everything that I am. I think that's the most important thing. Every problem, every talent, everything... You love me. Thank you. No matter how rough the waters get... you're by my side. At least... someday you will be.

I love you. Whoever you are, where ever you are... I just want to say I love you.


Tuesday, September 15, 2009

It's been awhile...

"It's been awhile... I shouldn't have kept you waiting..."
~ "Break The Ice" by Britney Spears

God, it's been awhile... A long while since I've really written anything in this blog...

I guess I owe everyone an explanation of why it's been so long... here's a couple reasons I can think up...

1) I've been hella busy. After the Cabaret, I started rehearsals for The Producers, which overlapped with rehearsals for An Evening of Original Plays, and then as soon as that ended I did a alcohol awareness show with my college... I'm back at school and have been adjusting to this new year, new job, new life, new roommate, new everything... I've been finding my college self again... and this upcoming week I start rehearsals for The Rocky Horror Show, where I will be playing Riff-Raff. Yep, I get to sing the Time Warp. Please be jealous.

2) Besides, my extreme theatre schedule for the past three and a half months... my love life hasn't been filled with that much drama... at least drama I can really talk about or would actually be interesting.

At the beginning of summer, I hung out with Spring. We kissed, we cuddled, we smoked cigarettes... It was almost like we had never broke up... Except for the fact that over and over we kept repeating "We're not going to date this summer." Which we didn't. But I'm thankful for that. I've come to the conclusion that at home I am comfortable Resorting back to my 'High School Self' is comfortable. And I am anything but comfortable. Give me an edge, I'd rather walk it than trot along where it's safe and stable.

And so I did start a little drama... flashback to throwing myself at Aiden at the lakehouse, hooking up with Spring, visiting St. Louis and meeting up with my Spain Boy and having a fun weekend with him, talking to Peter on text and phone...

Ok, I lied. Maybe I did have an interesting summer of boys.

Post my failed Aiden reunion, I finally got to meet up with the boy that I had been longing for the entire summer. Spain Boy, who had been in Spain since January, and I had an awesome weekend moving belongings from my old apartment to new. And making out. And cuddling.

Shortly after that I took my relationship status off my facebook. Not because Spain Boy and I ended up dating (I actually told him at the end of the weekend that I wasn't ready to have a boyfriend). I took it down because I didn't want to be single. I wasn't single. I wasn't solitary at all. I was surrounded by people I love, and most importantly I had me. I had myself to carry me through anything.

And in that moment, everything I had been working for over these past months just made sense. And I became a.o.k. with myself. This was after the occurrence of my upcoming third point which is...

3) A little boy made me doubt myself for a hot second this summer. He told me that I was a bad person, and for a moment I didn't love myself. He thought the way I handled certain aspects of my relationships was disgusting and needed evaluation... I put myself out there as a topic to be critiqued through my blog and that I was no Carrie Bradshaw...

And honestly, this little boy made me never want to write again. And then I realized, by him not liking what I wrote, and what my actions were... He had learned something. He had realized that he didn't like my actions, he learned some sort of lesson. He wouldn't handle himself that way... And that made it okay. Does that make sense? More or less... Take what you want from my blog, love me, hate me, say what you want about me but if you take something from my blog, and have learned something about yourself or made some sort of conclusion of the greater world... I've done something right.

Two weeks ago, Erin and I visited Diane and we saw Julie & Julia, and they kept repeating the phrase "No Fear."

And that stayed with me. No fear. I am proud of everything I have accomplished and no person can ever take that away from me. I will face the world without fear, without inhibitions. I will piss people off, I will make people angry, I won't care. Because as long as I'm making an effect... that's all that matters. Everyone else can be boring... I will be extraordinary.

S0... with this new re-discovered self love and appreciation, that has taken me six effin' months to get back... What do I do now? That is the question.

The first step was putting my facebook relationship status back up. Not because I'm necessarily ready for commitment or on the prowl for a new lover, but as proof that I'm not hiding anymore. I'm ready to be 'single' and proud of it. While others are getting engaged around me, getting pregnant, starting lives... I'm happy to be figuring myself out. I had buried myself in my family, my friends, and my art... and through that I learned so much, felt so safe... but I realized after watching Julie & Julia, it was time to let go of fear, take the chance to put myself out there, and show the world that I am finally a.o.k. with being single, loving myself, and living my life.

And I just have to keep reminding myself... just because I'm single... does not mean I'm alone. :)

So maybe this isn't my most clever blog entry, maybe it's a little too fluffly and doesn't deal enough with the tough parts of relationships... I mean there aren't any puns... but I'm making a comeback. It took Britney a good year before she could really make her full comeback...

But I'm going to start now. It's your gay best friend, bitch.

Monday, September 14, 2009

You're my perfect little punching bag...

"I decided at 15 that I didn't want to be one of those artists that gets up and sings love songs they don't mean. I decided that I was going to be me to the fullest extent, that my songs were going to reflect relationships I've had, things I've been through, and even the stuff I'm embarrassed about.
~ P!NK

For the past several months I have REFUSED to purchase P!NK's "Please Don't Leave Me" from iTunes. When it would come on the radio I would turn the station. There was something about the stupid song that made my skin crawl. Not because it was a bad song, but the lyrics, her voice, everything about it made my heart hurt. It's not a cry song. It's not a song the strikes a visible emotion... but instead a song that strikes the worst chord, a chord so out of tune and sensitive that it sends the guitar our of control.

Today I downloaded. I accepted what the lyrics meant to me. I accepted that I could relate to this song devastating amounts, and accepted this emotion. I accepted that P!NK probably wrote this song about me... If that makes me pathetic... well, fuck off. I don't care. :)

I don't know if I can yell any louder
How many time I've kicked you outta here?
Or said something insulting?
Da da da, da da

I can be so mean when I wanna be
I am capable of really anything
I can cut you into pieces
But my heart is broken
Da da da, da da

Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

How did I become so obnoxious?
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I've never been this nasty
Da da da, da da

Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest
But baby I don't mean it
I mean it, I promise
Da da da, da da

Please don't leave me
Oh please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me
I cannot be without, you're my perfect little punching bag
I need you, I'm sorry
Da da da, da da

Da da da da, da da da da
Da da da, da da
Please, please don't leave me
(Da da da, da da)

Baby please don't leave me
(Da da da, da da)
No, don't leave me
Please don't leave me no no no

You say I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back

It's gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

Please don't leave me, oh no no no.
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this

Please don't leave me
Baby, please, please don't leave me