Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Until now, I always got by on my own...

"I want to do with you what spring does with cherry trees."
~Pablo Neruda

In 1987, Heart scored the biggest hit of their career as a band by asking the age old question... The question that every person who has ever had a crush on someone ponders, the question that one asks when he or she becomes instinctively attracted to the person across the room, the question that seems to to have an impossible answer especially when you want it the most...

The question is... How do I get you alone?

Isn't that all we want anyway? Someone who can take us from our state of singularity and take us from being a single being to being two people against the world, two people together, two people alone but ultimately devoted.

So... how do you do it? How do you get that one person alone with you... and then once that person is actually alone with you... what do you do?

In one of my theatre classes today, we had an actor from New York come and talk to us about life in NYC. In between my fantasies of living the SATC life in Manhattan, the actor mentioned a something that really struck me. The most unattractive thing to someone who is going to cast you is desperation. Never at any point in time can you seem like you are desperate for the role, the lack of confidence, control, and the overabundant sense of neediness will turn off any producer/director/person who is interested in casting you.

The same is true of relationships. It goes back to the same idea I've talked about a million times, you can't get alone with someone, until you are confident being alone with yourself. It's at that moment that you feel sure of yourself that you can feel sure of another person and not depend upon them for the answers, the support, and the justification. You already have it.

Another idea he talked about was that to be cast in a show, you can't go into the audition or callback thinking "I'm going to get cast. I'm going to get the job." Instead, you have to go in to the audition and say "I going to show how I would play this character, I'm doing this because I want to show them how I would interpret the character." By making it about the character, your objectives and choices shine clearly, its at that moment a deeper connection can be established and the director can see you becoming the character and making decisions as opposed to someone who is cannot bring anything to the role, but instead is looking for the the credit or the pay.

Once again, the same is true of relationships. You can't go into it thinking, "I'm going to get a relationship." That's stupid. That's not how you get relationships. At least lasting ones. The art of getting alone, and when I say alone in this sense I don't mean just for sexual purposes (although that's part of what I'm talking about), I mean it as a deep bond between two people that can evolve in something... the art of getting alone is about connection. "I want to connect with this person..." instead of "I want to be in a relationship with this person." Suddenly the perspective changes, instead of setting yourself up for an ultimate failure, you instead set yourself up to learn a little more about the person, and with each different connection (whether its similar interests, both of you laughing over a joke, sharing the same feeling at the same moment...) the bond becomes a little deeper. This bond is sometimes instantaneous, sometimes it requires years to develop something deep enough to warrant some 'alone' time.

The connections can never be manipulative. In acting, you play an objective. You have a goal. This goal cannot be manipulative.

Hey, guess what I'm going to say?

The same is true of relationships. You got it. You cannot "make someone love you." That's wrong and deceitful. Instead the objective should be, "I'm going to remind the man I'm interested of all I am as a person." You can't control another person, you can only try and make them see something they didn't see before, help them understand something unknown about you...

Ok, so great, I've given all these little tips, but you know what? Just like theatre, you can know all the technical aspects of it, read as many books as you own, but in the end, once you hit that stage all that disappears and you've just got to do it.

So, I'm ready. I'm ready to do it. And I return to the question, how do I get you alone?

Honestly... I don't even know.

This is where friends come in. They give you an awesome balance of right and wrong and the more friends you have the more opinions you can get. That's one thing I have learned from being more open about my relationships with the people around me is that I don't know everything, neither do my friends, but having them there to give their two cents brings me closer to a reasonable answer.

When I'm cruising on a hottie, my friends normally get recitation of my texts, dramatic interps of conversations, so that they can talk to me about it and I can get feedback. Of course there are friends who I take their advice with a grain of salt or just avoid all together. You have to be smart. But I have a select group of lovely ladies that I depend upon for their opinions on my situations. That's the first step, use your friends. That's what they're there for. To reach the great destination of Alone, you don't necessarily have to take the journey alone.

I'm in the current position of where I don't want to come off too needy or interested. Needy is not hot. At all. Desperate? Not hot. And it's not that I'm desperate, by any means. You've read the blog, I'm happy being on my own right now. It's just a difficult time when too much affection becomes a turn off. It really is. When someone is all about you, it's not cute and it pulls you away from the connection. Balance. And its a fine line to balance on. One must skillfully execute a plan in which one has enough time together to show interest, yet enough space to keep the interest growing. It takes alone separation before you can be alone together.

Having patience sucks. Or at least the need to have it. Things aren't instantaneous. Well, sometimes they are. But most of the time they're not. Sometimes it takes a little time to get alone. And sometimes that person has no interest back. That also sucks. But it happens. You have to accept it and move on. But don't give up until you've given it a try. And don't choke. Choking sucks. Just go for it. The end.

So, after writing all of this, after thinking through all these things I have a clearer perspective, and with this clearer perspective I have an even stronger drive and the question continues to resonate... While there is no clear shot you get alone with someone, you simply have to continue to make those connections, remain a balance between interest and over the top, and be yourself and be happy with yourself if it doesn't work out. And keep using that drive and asking that question...

No, really... how do I get you alone?

1 comment:

  1. Ok, that was some of the best advice I've ever heard in my life. Thank you for posting it. It definitely changed how I see that question.