Tuesday, September 15, 2009

It's been awhile...

"It's been awhile... I shouldn't have kept you waiting..."
~ "Break The Ice" by Britney Spears

God, it's been awhile... A long while since I've really written anything in this blog...

I guess I owe everyone an explanation of why it's been so long... here's a couple reasons I can think up...

1) I've been hella busy. After the Cabaret, I started rehearsals for The Producers, which overlapped with rehearsals for An Evening of Original Plays, and then as soon as that ended I did a alcohol awareness show with my college... I'm back at school and have been adjusting to this new year, new job, new life, new roommate, new everything... I've been finding my college self again... and this upcoming week I start rehearsals for The Rocky Horror Show, where I will be playing Riff-Raff. Yep, I get to sing the Time Warp. Please be jealous.

2) Besides, my extreme theatre schedule for the past three and a half months... my love life hasn't been filled with that much drama... at least drama I can really talk about or would actually be interesting.

At the beginning of summer, I hung out with Spring. We kissed, we cuddled, we smoked cigarettes... It was almost like we had never broke up... Except for the fact that over and over we kept repeating "We're not going to date this summer." Which we didn't. But I'm thankful for that. I've come to the conclusion that at home I am comfortable Resorting back to my 'High School Self' is comfortable. And I am anything but comfortable. Give me an edge, I'd rather walk it than trot along where it's safe and stable.

And so I did start a little drama... flashback to throwing myself at Aiden at the lakehouse, hooking up with Spring, visiting St. Louis and meeting up with my Spain Boy and having a fun weekend with him, talking to Peter on text and phone...

Ok, I lied. Maybe I did have an interesting summer of boys.

Post my failed Aiden reunion, I finally got to meet up with the boy that I had been longing for the entire summer. Spain Boy, who had been in Spain since January, and I had an awesome weekend moving belongings from my old apartment to new. And making out. And cuddling.

Shortly after that I took my relationship status off my facebook. Not because Spain Boy and I ended up dating (I actually told him at the end of the weekend that I wasn't ready to have a boyfriend). I took it down because I didn't want to be single. I wasn't single. I wasn't solitary at all. I was surrounded by people I love, and most importantly I had me. I had myself to carry me through anything.

And in that moment, everything I had been working for over these past months just made sense. And I became a.o.k. with myself. This was after the occurrence of my upcoming third point which is...

3) A little boy made me doubt myself for a hot second this summer. He told me that I was a bad person, and for a moment I didn't love myself. He thought the way I handled certain aspects of my relationships was disgusting and needed evaluation... I put myself out there as a topic to be critiqued through my blog and that I was no Carrie Bradshaw...

And honestly, this little boy made me never want to write again. And then I realized, by him not liking what I wrote, and what my actions were... He had learned something. He had realized that he didn't like my actions, he learned some sort of lesson. He wouldn't handle himself that way... And that made it okay. Does that make sense? More or less... Take what you want from my blog, love me, hate me, say what you want about me but if you take something from my blog, and have learned something about yourself or made some sort of conclusion of the greater world... I've done something right.

Two weeks ago, Erin and I visited Diane and we saw Julie & Julia, and they kept repeating the phrase "No Fear."

And that stayed with me. No fear. I am proud of everything I have accomplished and no person can ever take that away from me. I will face the world without fear, without inhibitions. I will piss people off, I will make people angry, I won't care. Because as long as I'm making an effect... that's all that matters. Everyone else can be boring... I will be extraordinary.

S0... with this new re-discovered self love and appreciation, that has taken me six effin' months to get back... What do I do now? That is the question.

The first step was putting my facebook relationship status back up. Not because I'm necessarily ready for commitment or on the prowl for a new lover, but as proof that I'm not hiding anymore. I'm ready to be 'single' and proud of it. While others are getting engaged around me, getting pregnant, starting lives... I'm happy to be figuring myself out. I had buried myself in my family, my friends, and my art... and through that I learned so much, felt so safe... but I realized after watching Julie & Julia, it was time to let go of fear, take the chance to put myself out there, and show the world that I am finally a.o.k. with being single, loving myself, and living my life.

And I just have to keep reminding myself... just because I'm single... does not mean I'm alone. :)

So maybe this isn't my most clever blog entry, maybe it's a little too fluffly and doesn't deal enough with the tough parts of relationships... I mean there aren't any puns... but I'm making a comeback. It took Britney a good year before she could really make her full comeback...

But I'm going to start now. It's your gay best friend, bitch.


  1. I LOVE your post! It's not 'fluffy', it's real.

    And I'm glad that you are back. I was wondering what happened. It's funny how we change ourselves to fit into a mold that we THINK someone else expects of us.

    And I'm going to quote you, if that's alright. "Just because I'm single, doesn't mean I'm alone." Love it.

    Welcome back.

  2. So I totally was following you but I never got any notifications so I never thought to look again. But I saw your status and so I returned. I must say your latest post is exactly how I want to feel. I have a hard time being single, to the point that I'm whore-like. :(. Regardless I really felt this post, and I will be returning frequently :)

  3. You're certainly not alone man, you must remind yourself that for people are always around you, today I had the luck of stumbling here -don't ask me how I got here, I myself don't know but I don't believe in fate nor coincidences- and I'm just glad I did, you seem to be doing better now and I'm so happy for you, if you need anything know I will be always willing to lend you my ears.

    You write so good and there are many reasons why not to post, the important ones are the reasons why you do it, I would love to read you more, so keep those posts coming.

    Love you