Thursday, December 3, 2009

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

- Captain Corelli's Mandolin

Thursday, November 26, 2009


I am thankful for...

The movie Legally Blonde, because without it I don't think I could have made it through the past few weeks.

Haterz. Because without the haterz I wouldn't be getting ready for when I'm famous and the tabloid magazines are gonna be talking about me all the time.

Underdog stories. Because lately that is what I identify most with. The person being dragged down by the Man, the people with power who just want to bring someone trying to express themselves down. But the underdog doesn't give up. He/she believes in themselves.

My best friend in the world, Diane. Who no matter what is there for me.

My future husband. Whoever you are. I love you.

My friends in Texas and my friend in St. Louis, and any other friends that I have acquired throughout my adventures. You rock.

People who don't get the joke... because you give me something to laugh about later on.

Everyone who reads this blog. I'm sorry I get so busy. I don't want to write stupid blog entries and haven't had time to write something really fantastic... I don't want to give this anything less than the best.

The phrase "laying down the law" because that's my choice expression as of late...

Repugnance... :)

My badass room mate Emily who knows when to tell it to me straight, knows when to comfort, and knows when to be awesome... oh wait, she is all the time.

Especially my family. Because they are love.

And most importantly...

I am thankful for love. And all the love I have experienced and will get to experience.

Happy Tgiving, y'all!

Sunday, October 4, 2009

My tongue is stupid. My heart isn't.

Tonight I saw a fantastic play. Probably the most beautifully written play I ever had the chance to see. The productions was spectacular, the acting was superb, but the writing... the writing is what made is amazing.

It's a pretty well known play... Amadeus by Peter Shaffer.

If you haven't seen the play, most people have seen the movie... I hadn't. I hadn't read the play, or seen the movie or honestly knew much about it.

The story is a memory play of sorts from the point of view of Antoni Salieri. One of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart's contemporaries. Salieri recognizes the power and beauty of Mozart's work and the mediocrity of his own. In turn, Salieri sets out to destory Mozart's life, while continuous living in the idea that he will never have the weight and artistic power and prowess that Mozart has. He will always be... mediocre.

There were two major monologues from the play that struck me. And thank goodness, Emily had been in the play in high school and had the play handy for me to dissect and steal these magnificent quotes from.

Here they are. Just read them for what they are...

"Look at us! Four gaping mouths. What a perfect quartet! I'd love to write it - just this second of time, this now, as you are! Herr Chamberlain thinking: "Impertinent Mozart. I must speak to the Emperor at once!" Herr Prefect thinking: "Ignorant Mozart. Debasing opera with his bulgarity!" Herr Court Composer thinking: "German Mozart. What can he finally know about music?" And Mozart himself, in the middle thinking: "I'm just a good fellow. Why do they all disapprove of me?"

That's why opera is important, Baron. Because it's realer than any play! A dramatic poet would have to put all those thoughts down one after another to represent this second of time. The composer can put them all down at once- and still make us hear each one of them.

Astonishing device: a vocal quartet! I tell you I want to write a finale lasting half an hour! A quartet becoming a quintet becoming a sextet becoming a septet- an octet- a nonet! On and on, wider and wider- all sounds multiplying and rising together- and the Together making a sound entirely new! ...I bet you that's how God hears the world. Millions of sounds ascending at once and mixing in His ear to become an unending music. unimaginable to us! That's our job! That's our job! , we composers: to combine the inner minds of him and him and him and her and her- the thoughts of chambermaids and court composers- and turn the audience into God.

I'm sorry. I talk nonsense all day: it's incurable - ask Stanzerl. My tongue is stupid. My heart isn't."
~ Mozart, "Amadeus" by Peter Shaffer


"I was born a pair of ears, and nothing else. It is only thorug hearing music that I know God exists. Only through writing music that I could worship... All around me men hunger for General Rights. I hungered only for particular notes. They seek Liberty for Mankind. I sought only slavery for myself. To be owned- ordered- exhausted by an Absolute. Music." ~ Salieri, "Amadeus" by Peter Shaffer

I don't really have anything else to say. I could analyze them and all that, but for the moment... I just want to leave them as they are. They are beautiful, poetic, and honest.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Until now, I always got by on my own...

"I want to do with you what spring does with cherry trees."
~Pablo Neruda

In 1987, Heart scored the biggest hit of their career as a band by asking the age old question... The question that every person who has ever had a crush on someone ponders, the question that one asks when he or she becomes instinctively attracted to the person across the room, the question that seems to to have an impossible answer especially when you want it the most...

The question is... How do I get you alone?

Isn't that all we want anyway? Someone who can take us from our state of singularity and take us from being a single being to being two people against the world, two people together, two people alone but ultimately devoted.

So... how do you do it? How do you get that one person alone with you... and then once that person is actually alone with you... what do you do?

In one of my theatre classes today, we had an actor from New York come and talk to us about life in NYC. In between my fantasies of living the SATC life in Manhattan, the actor mentioned a something that really struck me. The most unattractive thing to someone who is going to cast you is desperation. Never at any point in time can you seem like you are desperate for the role, the lack of confidence, control, and the overabundant sense of neediness will turn off any producer/director/person who is interested in casting you.

The same is true of relationships. It goes back to the same idea I've talked about a million times, you can't get alone with someone, until you are confident being alone with yourself. It's at that moment that you feel sure of yourself that you can feel sure of another person and not depend upon them for the answers, the support, and the justification. You already have it.

Another idea he talked about was that to be cast in a show, you can't go into the audition or callback thinking "I'm going to get cast. I'm going to get the job." Instead, you have to go in to the audition and say "I going to show how I would play this character, I'm doing this because I want to show them how I would interpret the character." By making it about the character, your objectives and choices shine clearly, its at that moment a deeper connection can be established and the director can see you becoming the character and making decisions as opposed to someone who is cannot bring anything to the role, but instead is looking for the the credit or the pay.

Once again, the same is true of relationships. You can't go into it thinking, "I'm going to get a relationship." That's stupid. That's not how you get relationships. At least lasting ones. The art of getting alone, and when I say alone in this sense I don't mean just for sexual purposes (although that's part of what I'm talking about), I mean it as a deep bond between two people that can evolve in something... the art of getting alone is about connection. "I want to connect with this person..." instead of "I want to be in a relationship with this person." Suddenly the perspective changes, instead of setting yourself up for an ultimate failure, you instead set yourself up to learn a little more about the person, and with each different connection (whether its similar interests, both of you laughing over a joke, sharing the same feeling at the same moment...) the bond becomes a little deeper. This bond is sometimes instantaneous, sometimes it requires years to develop something deep enough to warrant some 'alone' time.

The connections can never be manipulative. In acting, you play an objective. You have a goal. This goal cannot be manipulative.

Hey, guess what I'm going to say?

The same is true of relationships. You got it. You cannot "make someone love you." That's wrong and deceitful. Instead the objective should be, "I'm going to remind the man I'm interested of all I am as a person." You can't control another person, you can only try and make them see something they didn't see before, help them understand something unknown about you...

Ok, so great, I've given all these little tips, but you know what? Just like theatre, you can know all the technical aspects of it, read as many books as you own, but in the end, once you hit that stage all that disappears and you've just got to do it.

So, I'm ready. I'm ready to do it. And I return to the question, how do I get you alone?

Honestly... I don't even know.

This is where friends come in. They give you an awesome balance of right and wrong and the more friends you have the more opinions you can get. That's one thing I have learned from being more open about my relationships with the people around me is that I don't know everything, neither do my friends, but having them there to give their two cents brings me closer to a reasonable answer.

When I'm cruising on a hottie, my friends normally get recitation of my texts, dramatic interps of conversations, so that they can talk to me about it and I can get feedback. Of course there are friends who I take their advice with a grain of salt or just avoid all together. You have to be smart. But I have a select group of lovely ladies that I depend upon for their opinions on my situations. That's the first step, use your friends. That's what they're there for. To reach the great destination of Alone, you don't necessarily have to take the journey alone.

I'm in the current position of where I don't want to come off too needy or interested. Needy is not hot. At all. Desperate? Not hot. And it's not that I'm desperate, by any means. You've read the blog, I'm happy being on my own right now. It's just a difficult time when too much affection becomes a turn off. It really is. When someone is all about you, it's not cute and it pulls you away from the connection. Balance. And its a fine line to balance on. One must skillfully execute a plan in which one has enough time together to show interest, yet enough space to keep the interest growing. It takes alone separation before you can be alone together.

Having patience sucks. Or at least the need to have it. Things aren't instantaneous. Well, sometimes they are. But most of the time they're not. Sometimes it takes a little time to get alone. And sometimes that person has no interest back. That also sucks. But it happens. You have to accept it and move on. But don't give up until you've given it a try. And don't choke. Choking sucks. Just go for it. The end.

So, after writing all of this, after thinking through all these things I have a clearer perspective, and with this clearer perspective I have an even stronger drive and the question continues to resonate... While there is no clear shot you get alone with someone, you simply have to continue to make those connections, remain a balance between interest and over the top, and be yourself and be happy with yourself if it doesn't work out. And keep using that drive and asking that question...

No, really... how do I get you alone?

Sunday, September 20, 2009

A Little Night Music

"Art, in itself, is an attempt to bring order out of chaos."
~ Stephen Sondheim

I've found myself falling in love with a song from Sondheim's musical, Sunday in the Park With George. I want to be in this show so bad. It's stunning, the way Lapine and Sondheim create a story out of Seurat's "A Sunday on La Grand Jatte".

Sometimes I listen to it and hear myself in Dot. George's lover who is leaving him now that she is raising a child, emotionally forgotten and disregarded by George. Begging for some sort of verification to validate her existence and purpose in George's life.

Sometimes I listen to it and hear myself in George. The artist consumed with his work who seems to have drifted from reality, drifted from the love of people, and buried himself in the love of art.

Sometimes I listen... and that's just what I do...

Yes, George, run to your work.
Hide behind your painting.
I have come to tell you I am leaving because I thought you might
care to know-foolish of me, because you care about nothing-

I care about many things-

Things-not people.

People, too. I cannot divide my feelings up as neatly as you,
and I am not hiding behind my canvas-I am living in it.

What you care for is yourself.

I care for this painting. You will be in this painting.

I am something you can use.

I had thought you understood.

It's because I understand that I left,
That I am leaving.

Then there's nothing I can say,
Is there?

Yes. George, there is:
You could tell me not to go.
Say it to me.
Tell me not to go.
Tall me that you're hurt,
Tell me you're relieved,
Tell me that you're bored-
Anything, but don't assume I know.
Tell me what you feel!

What I feel?
You know exactly how I feel.
Why do you insist
You must hear the words,
When you know I cannot give you words?
Not the ones you need.
There's nothing to say.
I cannot be what you want.

What do you want, George?

I needed you and you left.

There was no room for me-

You will not accept who I am.
I am what I do-
Which you knew,
Which you always knew,
Which I thought you were a part of!

You are complete, George,
You are your own.
We do not belong together.
You are complete, George,
You all alone.
I am unfinished,
I am diminished
With or without you.

We do not belong together,
And we should have belonged together.
What made it so right together
Is what made it all wrong.

No one is you, George.
There you agree,
But others will do, George.
No one is you and
No one can be,
But no one is me, George,
No one is me.
We do not belong together.
And we'll never belong-!

You have a mission,
A mission to see.
Now I have one too, George.
And we should have belonged together.
I have to move on.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

My baby just wrote me a letter...

"To send a letter is a good way to go somewhere without moving anything but your heart."
~Phyllis Theroux

So I stole this idea from my friend Morgan. She writes letter to her future spouse, and I think that's beautiful. So I did it. Just to see. And there's something really great about it. I dunno. Here's what I wrote:

Dear future husband,

As I sit in my Intro to Comm class, I feel like writing you a letter. Whomever you may be. I hope your day is going well where ever you are. My plan is to occasionally look up during this lecture to make it look like I'm listening... I just put in my two cents about conceptual definition of popularity. I think I'm good to go.

I am over school. It gets harder everyday to keep focused. All I can think about is getting in shape and theatre. I feel like I don't even hang out with my friends anymore I am so consumed by the excessive work and stress school puts on me, that I don't have time for friends. I only have friends at rehearsals or people who see me at work...

Thank God you're not around... I don't think I would even have time for you right now. And that's one thing I would never want to do to you. I wnat you to be my priority. I want to always make time for you, and not feel like its a chore. I want you to feel the same way. I want to be your top priority. That's how I'll know you're the one... when suddenly I'll put you above everything... even theatre. And you'll come to know, my biggest passion is theatre. It's my everything. You'll be my everything. I get excited thinking about that moment when I realize you are everything.

I love how you trust me. When I do stupid things you know its never to hurt you. Sometimes I make mistakes, but its never malicious. You recognize my work, my art, my writing for all that it is instead of finding its flaw and tearing it apart. Of course you tell me I've done something wrong.

I am devoted to you. Completely and entirely. Sometimes I need to throw my hands up in the air and say I am yours to remind you, but you know. You always know.

We get in fights. That's inevitable. We know how to have a good fight. Sorry I'm super headstrong. But I'm glad you're not afraid of me. These fights better us, though, you know? I don't feel defeated when your mad at me. Instead I want to figure it out, work together, and find each other on a deeper level. And then we can kiss after.

It's really therapeutic writing to you. Whoever you are. Because it gives me hope that you're out there. That someday I'm going to actually hand this letter to you, and any other letters I have written and everything in them will be true.

Thank you for loving me for everything that I am. I think that's the most important thing. Every problem, every talent, everything... You love me. Thank you. No matter how rough the waters get... you're by my side. At least... someday you will be.

I love you. Whoever you are, where ever you are... I just want to say I love you.


Tuesday, September 15, 2009

It's been awhile...

"It's been awhile... I shouldn't have kept you waiting..."
~ "Break The Ice" by Britney Spears

God, it's been awhile... A long while since I've really written anything in this blog...

I guess I owe everyone an explanation of why it's been so long... here's a couple reasons I can think up...

1) I've been hella busy. After the Cabaret, I started rehearsals for The Producers, which overlapped with rehearsals for An Evening of Original Plays, and then as soon as that ended I did a alcohol awareness show with my college... I'm back at school and have been adjusting to this new year, new job, new life, new roommate, new everything... I've been finding my college self again... and this upcoming week I start rehearsals for The Rocky Horror Show, where I will be playing Riff-Raff. Yep, I get to sing the Time Warp. Please be jealous.

2) Besides, my extreme theatre schedule for the past three and a half months... my love life hasn't been filled with that much drama... at least drama I can really talk about or would actually be interesting.

At the beginning of summer, I hung out with Spring. We kissed, we cuddled, we smoked cigarettes... It was almost like we had never broke up... Except for the fact that over and over we kept repeating "We're not going to date this summer." Which we didn't. But I'm thankful for that. I've come to the conclusion that at home I am comfortable Resorting back to my 'High School Self' is comfortable. And I am anything but comfortable. Give me an edge, I'd rather walk it than trot along where it's safe and stable.

And so I did start a little drama... flashback to throwing myself at Aiden at the lakehouse, hooking up with Spring, visiting St. Louis and meeting up with my Spain Boy and having a fun weekend with him, talking to Peter on text and phone...

Ok, I lied. Maybe I did have an interesting summer of boys.

Post my failed Aiden reunion, I finally got to meet up with the boy that I had been longing for the entire summer. Spain Boy, who had been in Spain since January, and I had an awesome weekend moving belongings from my old apartment to new. And making out. And cuddling.

Shortly after that I took my relationship status off my facebook. Not because Spain Boy and I ended up dating (I actually told him at the end of the weekend that I wasn't ready to have a boyfriend). I took it down because I didn't want to be single. I wasn't single. I wasn't solitary at all. I was surrounded by people I love, and most importantly I had me. I had myself to carry me through anything.

And in that moment, everything I had been working for over these past months just made sense. And I became a.o.k. with myself. This was after the occurrence of my upcoming third point which is...

3) A little boy made me doubt myself for a hot second this summer. He told me that I was a bad person, and for a moment I didn't love myself. He thought the way I handled certain aspects of my relationships was disgusting and needed evaluation... I put myself out there as a topic to be critiqued through my blog and that I was no Carrie Bradshaw...

And honestly, this little boy made me never want to write again. And then I realized, by him not liking what I wrote, and what my actions were... He had learned something. He had realized that he didn't like my actions, he learned some sort of lesson. He wouldn't handle himself that way... And that made it okay. Does that make sense? More or less... Take what you want from my blog, love me, hate me, say what you want about me but if you take something from my blog, and have learned something about yourself or made some sort of conclusion of the greater world... I've done something right.

Two weeks ago, Erin and I visited Diane and we saw Julie & Julia, and they kept repeating the phrase "No Fear."

And that stayed with me. No fear. I am proud of everything I have accomplished and no person can ever take that away from me. I will face the world without fear, without inhibitions. I will piss people off, I will make people angry, I won't care. Because as long as I'm making an effect... that's all that matters. Everyone else can be boring... I will be extraordinary.

S0... with this new re-discovered self love and appreciation, that has taken me six effin' months to get back... What do I do now? That is the question.

The first step was putting my facebook relationship status back up. Not because I'm necessarily ready for commitment or on the prowl for a new lover, but as proof that I'm not hiding anymore. I'm ready to be 'single' and proud of it. While others are getting engaged around me, getting pregnant, starting lives... I'm happy to be figuring myself out. I had buried myself in my family, my friends, and my art... and through that I learned so much, felt so safe... but I realized after watching Julie & Julia, it was time to let go of fear, take the chance to put myself out there, and show the world that I am finally a.o.k. with being single, loving myself, and living my life.

And I just have to keep reminding myself... just because I'm single... does not mean I'm alone. :)

So maybe this isn't my most clever blog entry, maybe it's a little too fluffly and doesn't deal enough with the tough parts of relationships... I mean there aren't any puns... but I'm making a comeback. It took Britney a good year before she could really make her full comeback...

But I'm going to start now. It's your gay best friend, bitch.

Monday, September 14, 2009

You're my perfect little punching bag...

"I decided at 15 that I didn't want to be one of those artists that gets up and sings love songs they don't mean. I decided that I was going to be me to the fullest extent, that my songs were going to reflect relationships I've had, things I've been through, and even the stuff I'm embarrassed about.
~ P!NK

For the past several months I have REFUSED to purchase P!NK's "Please Don't Leave Me" from iTunes. When it would come on the radio I would turn the station. There was something about the stupid song that made my skin crawl. Not because it was a bad song, but the lyrics, her voice, everything about it made my heart hurt. It's not a cry song. It's not a song the strikes a visible emotion... but instead a song that strikes the worst chord, a chord so out of tune and sensitive that it sends the guitar our of control.

Today I downloaded. I accepted what the lyrics meant to me. I accepted that I could relate to this song devastating amounts, and accepted this emotion. I accepted that P!NK probably wrote this song about me... If that makes me pathetic... well, fuck off. I don't care. :)

I don't know if I can yell any louder
How many time I've kicked you outta here?
Or said something insulting?
Da da da, da da

I can be so mean when I wanna be
I am capable of really anything
I can cut you into pieces
But my heart is broken
Da da da, da da

Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

How did I become so obnoxious?
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I've never been this nasty
Da da da, da da

Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest
But baby I don't mean it
I mean it, I promise
Da da da, da da

Please don't leave me
Oh please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me
I cannot be without, you're my perfect little punching bag
I need you, I'm sorry
Da da da, da da

Da da da da, da da da da
Da da da, da da
Please, please don't leave me
(Da da da, da da)

Baby please don't leave me
(Da da da, da da)
No, don't leave me
Please don't leave me no no no

You say I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back

It's gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

Please don't leave me, oh no no no.
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this

Please don't leave me
Baby, please, please don't leave me

Friday, August 21, 2009

A quickie...

Something quick... something to appetize all y'all for my blogging comeback... 

A conversation I had with Diane forever ago that I had been meaning to post...

Diane: I knew you were texting him.

Me: How?

Diane: Because you looked happy. 


I'm making a comeback. Similiar to Britney's. Coming soon :)

Saturday, June 27, 2009

The Week of Intensity

"When I`m hungry, I eat. When I'm thirsty, I drink. When I feel like saying something, I say it."
~ Madonna

Beause my friends and I determine my life and who I am through facebook quizzes....

Diane and Tom came over last night. After we had droven around for awhile, we made it back to my house to have a move night, when they brought up a facebook quiz they had took that was creepily accurate. I took the quiz... and got the following results...

My birthday is October 31st, by the way...

James completed the quiz "What does the week you were born say about you?"
with the result The Week of Intensity – Scorpio 1 October 26 - November 2.

You have a demanding personality with an attention to detail and great powers of concentration for any given task. You can be discriminating and judgmental. Getting the job done is important to you. You have a two sided personality one sunny and one dark, the sunny side has a seductive charm that melts the hardest hearts and the dark side is destructive and can inflict serious damage. You often project your emotions onto others and never back down from confrontation. It is difficult for you to forgive, but is impossible for you to forget. You do not tolerate criticism well. You value quality over quantity. You have a wonderful sense of humor and can keep those around you laughing.

Strengths: Truthful – Discerning – Single Minded
Weaknesses: Hurtful – Stern – Self Destructive .

This is disgustingly accurate.
Real blog post coming soon. Hopefully.
I just had so share.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Would you rather...

"It's not hard to make decisions when you know what you're values are."
~ Roy Disney

So, this morning I downloaded an application on my iPhone. It's a variation of those silly "Would You Rather" books called What Would You Choose. For those who live under a giant boulder, the books ask you a question and gives you a choice between two ridiculous answers. One of my favorites from a few years back was: "Would you rather have sex with the Scarecrow or the Tin Man?" Classy.

Anywho, the iPhone edition has special categories that'll only ask you specific questions concerning those categories. I felt how perfect for this blog, if I posted some of my answers for the love category. I dunno, it might be fun...

Ok, let's dive in...

Would you rather be...

1) be forgotten or be hatefully remembered

I don't know what this is doing in the 'love' category. I guess in a post-relationships sense... I think this could also be appropriote in the 'life events' category if you think about it on a bigger scale.

In the musical, Assassins (we're performing selections from it in the Cabaret, so it's on my mind...) there is a powerful moment when the group of Assassins is trying to coerce Lee Harvey Oswald into shooting at JFK. In that moment, they are pleading, using every tactic to bring about this inevitable tragedy.

Oswald retorts: "People will hate me."
To which the assassins respond, "They will hate you with a passion... imagine, people feeling passionate about Lee Harvey Oswald..."

For someone who has been ignored his entire life, that moment makes the world click for him. He will be a part of history, and despite the negativety that comes with this heinous act, he does it. Why? Because its better to be hatefully remembered, than to never have made an effect on the world. It's better to have people think about you... even in the worst way, than to be completely forgotten.

I do not support Lee Harvey Oswald or assassinations... I just was being a theatre dork and making a musical theatre reference. I'm not a creep, I promise.

Now to bring it back to something postive... I would rather my exboyfriends remember me, whether its hatefully or not, because that means I had an effect on them. They've learned something and grown from it. That's all I want in life. To help people learn, whether its because I did something wrong, or whatever, as long as their is evolution... as long as there is change... I have done something right. So go on and hate me, exes... at least I had an effect on you...

2) find true life-long love or get 10 million dollars

Cynical, bitter James says 10 million dollars. Romantic, cheesy James says true life-long love. James, in general says... I want both.

3) marry your first love but have to divorce or never be able to marry but love anyone

I would rather spend my life with in love than have to divorce the person I care about most in the world. I never want to have a divorce... I want the man I marry to be The One, the one who will be with my for the rest of my life. Those vows actually mean something to me... Sickness, health, for better, for worse... cherish for the rest of my life. Sometimes divorce is inevitable... but maybe that's why we shouldn't settle for anything less that what we feel is extraordinary... then maybe marriage would last and divorce wouldn't be such a widely available option.

And for the second half, while I think marriage is fantastic and something I want... I would rather have love than marriage. I would rather spend the rest of my mornings waking up next to the person I love than have a stupid paper tell me how I feel.

But thank goodness I don't really have to make this choice, cuzzzz I wanna get married and love who ever the heck I want :)

4) be with someone you don't love forever or never have the one person you can't get over

I hate this question. This question imbodies my greatest fears of missing out on my true love and never being able to have them and settling for someone that I don't love.


5) have no heart at all or have a broken heart that never heals

Have not heart at all. I'd rather be cold and cut off than mope all the time. Diane and I lately have this joke where we give up all our feelings and become completely indifferent to the world. That way we don't make stupid mistakes when we follow our heart instead of doing what we know is right.

Then again, having a broken heart... imagine all the fantastic art, plays, and emotions that could come from that...

No, give me indifference. A lot less stress...

So that's me... what would you choose?

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

It's about time

(Notice: Here's a little game to play. I have riddled this blog post with cliches and puns about time... how many can you spot?? It's like I Spy... with puns... I hope you have a good time! Does that one count?)

"They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself."

~ Andy Warhol

Let's take some time... and talk about it.
Yep, let's talk about time.

There are hundreds of stupid time cliches that riddle through our lives. It's all in the timing - time heals all wounds - it's a matter of time - all the time in the world - etc etc. I could on forever. I think time is a really interesting thing, I mean it has to be, there's a huge magazine named after it... and the real question that has been plaguing my mind for the past few months, how does time play into a relationship and love? What are the affects that time has on a relationship?

And I couldn't help but wonder what do we do with our time? When it comes to love and relationships, if our time is of the essence, how can we possibly slow down and take our time?

There are a few things that have stirred on my current tryst with time.

First off, let's start of with me being bitter and cynical. I find myself more and more cynical as the days go by. I think it's that High School Self thing again. Being home, I'm slowly starting to retreat in my High School Self's disbelief in love and the concept that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I didn't realize how obsessed I am with love until I got home and started remembering a time before I fell into it.

Anyway, the thing that really started me off on my bitter binge, there is a gay couple in St. Louis that I go to school with (or at least this year at some point in time I went with) who met last November. One of them goes to school in St. Louis while the other originated in Spain and was studying abroad in the Lou. Well, the inevitable happened and the one boy returned to Spain while the other did his time in St. Louis.... they should have fallen apart, right?

No, they didn't. They just celebrated they're seven month anniversary. Are you kidding me? How is this possible? Oh, and did I mention they're moving in together now?

Now, what gets me most bitter about this how situation is that my last two serious relationships, both involved a little bit of distance... well one involved a little distance and the other involved six hours of distance and neither really worked out. And by never worked out, I mean they're both really complicated and off-the-wall relationships now.

At first I blamed my boys... they were immature and couldn't handle such a serious time commitment. Then, I convinced myself at first that maybe I just wasn't a long distance kind of guy. I need quality time in a relationship, I need to spend lots of time together, I have to have a sufficient amount of couple time and not just on the phone... And eventually my personal defeat festered in to a full blown cynicism. I had resigned myself that long distance relationships never work out, it's not possible. Long distance relationships are like creating an imaginary friend that you fantasize about sleeping with and talk every once in awhile...

And then this stupid couple's life appears in my facebook feed and my severe case of cynicism evolves into a fatal case of bitterness. Which, of course, is followed by me going to check my e-mail and on the Yahoo mainpage is an article about how it is healthy for at some point in time a couple does a little bit of long distance... it's good for them..

Pardon my language but,

Are you fucking kidding me?

How can I not even make a six hour long distance relationship work when this couple is an ocean apart from each other? How can this stupid article tell me that having distance is good for a couple when that's the thing that ruined everything in my last relationship?

Both of these previous relationship dives into distance, both said during our break ups that the timing was bad. We pined over the fact that we should have met and gotten together some time from now, when we were ready to be together and handle a big time long relationship. Then the timing would have worked out.

If time apart doesn't tear a couple apart but instead makes for a better time... what's wrong with me? Why can't I make this relationship that means the world to me work instead of it being a complicated mess?

Wow, I'm being needy, ridiculous, and dramatic... what's new...

Maybe, I need to stop placing the blame (and stop taking it out on this poor couple that I've honestly talked to the members of twice in my life) and start figuring this thing out.

So, if timing was the problem, should I just wait it out? I mean, I know whenever this boy is ready to commit, I know the relationship is going to be fantastic... but...

In Cabaret rehearsal, we've talked a lot about wasting time. People coming late to rehearsal, which sends our rehearsal schedule off, which sometimes causes actors to wait around and do nothing. By waiting around... Am I wasting my time?

I'm not the kind of guy who waits around for someone. I have to find something to occupy my time whether it be theatre, a relationship... something to keep my busy. I don't function well when I have nothing to do.

So I find something to pass my time while I wait for my upcoming relationship, or waiting for an old relationship to come back... and it's fun for the time being, but never as good as the real thing. And I guess that's where the wasting time comes into. But then the stupid idea that 'true love waits' comes ringing into my ears. While true love waits, time waits for no man, and thus you have to move on with you're life. Or find something to do while you wait for your life to move on. Or someone to do. Or a hobby not boy related.

I got cast in an upcoming production of The Producers as a dancer. That'll keep me busy for the rest of the summer. Keep my mind of being bitter, and cursing successful couples, while I twiddle my toes and wait....

And then you get a text from that someone. And you have a fun conversation. And everything is okay. It reminds you that maybe... you can make a relationship work out, love is real, and that it's just a matter for time and patience. I'm not the boys in that couple. I'm my own person who needs different things. But when all the time has passed, you remember how worth it the whole thing will be. Time stands still... and for a short time, you smile and forget the cynicism, the bitterness, the jealousy... and remember you have love. There is someone who loves you. And it makes it okay.

I'm ready to go back to St. Louis. I want to hurry up, because once I get there... I'll have all the time in the world to fall in love. But right now... it's not the time and place.

Maybe it won't take so long... Time flies after all....

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Slipping you on again tonight...

"I think good art happens on that edge between comfortable and in a lot of pain, you know what I mean?"
~ Liz Phair

I was looking through my old CDs and stumbled across Liz Phair's 2003 self-titled album. I've been listening to it like crazy. I forgot how amazing that CD is (yes, I know its the CD she sold out on, I don't care, I love pop music especially sexually explicit/borderline angry/power pop/rock 'n' roll/female rocker chicks). 

One song, in its hilarity, quirky, awesomeness just really hit home. I don't know. I just relate to it. I have a pair of favorite underwear... who doesn't?

Last time I posted lyrics I felt really ashamed, but I've come to realize, sometimes the best way to get to know a person is by checking out the lyrics they relate most to... it tells a story.

"Favorite" by Liz Phair

Don't look sexy but it just feels right
Not too dirty and it's not too tight
Why I never threw it out, I'll never know exactly why

Keep it in the drawer beside my bed
It's faded pink now, but it used to be red
Starting to fray at the seams, but I know that you'll still love me
Like you did, like you did
Like before, like before
Like we will, like we will
Be doin' it once more

Oh baby know what your like?
You're like my favorite underwear
It just feels right, you know it
Oh baby know how you feel?
You feel like my favorite underwear
And I'm slipping you on again tonight

Leave you lyin' on the bedroom floor
I leave you hangin' on the bathroom door
Take you for granted, but I'll always know exactly where you are

Lost you once you were hard to find
Got you back you didn't live like mine
Thought we were falling apart but you make me feel so pretty
Like you did, like you did
Like before, like before
Like we will, like we will
Be doin' it once more

Oh baby know what your like?
You're like my favorite underwear
It just feels right, you know it
Oh baby know how you feel?
You feel like my favorite underwear
And I'm slipping you on again tonight
Slipping you on again tonight

Wrap me and roll me, hold me tight
Tear me apart and make me new
Like you always do

Oh baby know what your like?
You're like my favorite underwear
It just feels right, you know it

You feel you're like this is what I want
You feel, you feel

Oh baby know what your like?
You're like my favorite underwear
It just feels right, you know it

You feel you're like this is what I want
You feel, you feel

Slipping you on again tonight 

Monday, May 25, 2009

High School Self Vs. College Self

“So maybe it won’t look the way you thought it would in high school, but it’s good to remember love is possible, anything is possible…”
            ~ Carrie, SATC Season 6, “Boy, Interrupted”

Going home is interesting. Very interesting. 

When you go away to college, you leave a part of you behind, your High School Self. It's the part of you that all throughout high school made stupid choices, got too emotional, was embarrassing, took things way too seriously. At least some people leave it behind. One must in order to develop a new part of who you are, your College Self. It's an upgraded version that still makes stupid choices, gets too emotional, is completely embarrassing, and takes things too seriously except now you have a little thing that's growing inside of you called maturity to rationalize and pull from the experiences. College Self eventually becomes Adult Self, which if lucky becomes Married Self, which could lead to Parent Self , or Single Self should Married Self not be an option, or any mix of the previous selves... until you reach Old Decrepit Self and finally Dead Self. 

The ultimate problem with these 'selves' is that they never die. It's impossible to make them disappear. They're everywhere... in that photo album, in your best friend from 10th grades' memories, in all the people who haven't experienced you in your new world as College Self. It's in every corner of your hometown that you went to high school in and made so many memories. And sometimes, when College Self comes face to face with the remnants of High School Self... disaster strikes, the dam breaks, and everything you left behind starts flooding back.

I've been home for a little over a week. After my Oklahoma expedition, Diane and I took a day trip driving back to the little bubble called The Woodlands. Once there, I was immediately thrust back into Woodlands life. That evening I attended my old high school theatre's production of several original ten minute plays. As one of the Woodlands Theatre alums who really pushed the play-writing portion of theatre and (call me conceited, I don't care... I'm just being honest... hehe) re-ignite within the department the spark that was play-writing... I felt a responsibility to at least make an appearance at their shows. 

The shows were cute. There was a talkback following the performance, in which audience members could ask the playwrights questions about their shows. I asked the playwrights the ultimate question, Why? Why do you playwright? As a playwright myself, I love hearing about how people were so moved by something that they had to write about it, how writing is a way for the person to express something so deep within them, because they have to write because there's nothing left to do, because when they write they create worlds, figure out problems, escape. 

At least that's what I expected to hear as a response. I got mostly things along the lines of 'It's something to do' and 'I dunno...'

I was appalled. As I leapt forth onto my soap box and got ready my tirade in defense of play-writing as an art and not simply something to do... I paused for a moment and a thought struck me. They're high schoolers. Their High School Self is all they know. They haven't been immersed in theatre like I had been. They haven't gone to college and experienced theatre as an art... how could they possibly see it that when now? You can't expect flight from a caterpillar, you can't expect college thoughts from a pure High School Self.

I couldn't help but think, what separates these two selves? What is the thing that causes the metamorphosis from the high school caterpillar to the college butterfly? Or possibly could it be that the difference isn't quite so drastic... 

This weekend was prom weekend for my sister. Stress levels were high, there was a lot going on, but more importantly... my parents had rented a lakehouse for the weekend and my friends and I were going to take full advantage of it.

New Yorkers go to the Hamptons. Woodlanders? We go to Lake Conroe... or at least now we do after Galveston was submerged by some pretty bitchy hurricanes...

Since the high schoolers weren't going to be using the lakehouse until late Saturday night, I got together a group of my closest buds and we booked it down to Lake Conroe. I mean, there was an empty lakehouse, what did you expect from a bunch of college kids itching to have a little fun? I even got Matt and Dani to come for the weekend to hang out with us. So Friday morning, Diane, me, and the rest of the gang took the drive to the lake and took a little vacation.

The day was spent with lounging, tanning, walks around the neighborhood, eating, and all those vacation-y sort of things that people do. And then we got drunk.

Now this would normally be fine. A group of friends, getting drunk in a random house... except I had the bright idea to invite my ex boyfriend, Aiden.

Aiden and I dated pretty seriously three years ago. Before that we had been best friends and eventually we took that best friendship and took it to LoverVille. I broke up with him because of his... how should I say this... lack of balls. Aiden, a year younger than me, would constantly agree with everything I had to say. I started saying things that were completely wrong and outlandish to see if he would actually say, "No, I think that's wrong" or would just keep agreeing with me... I'll let you guess what how he responded every time...

I need a man who will tell me I'm wrong, who will call me out on my shit. I don't want a baby, I want a strong, opinionated kind of guy... and Aiden wasn't that. He also told me he was falling in love with me. I was still my messy High School Self, didn't know how to handle it, and I helped him pack his bags and sent him on the one way road out of LoverVille.

Since our break up, Aiden and I had remained casual friends. We would talk every once in awhile, hang out every now and again... nothing too serious. It may have been my raging ego, but sometimes when we hung out I got the feeling Aiden still wanted to be with me... So we never got back to the best friendship that we once had. I was fine with this.

This summer, something had changed.

 Since I've been back this past week, Aiden has become a staple in my group of friends. He's been spending a lot more time with Diane and I as well as being a cast member in the Cabaret. I don't know what happened, but suddenly the awkwardness was gone, and we all could be friends and hang out together again. And I couldn't help but think about the possibility of being with Aiden again. Nothing too serious, I just started thinking about it... maybe since we had both been in more relationships and experienced more life, if we tried again it would be different.

So, newly minted into the gang, Aiden came with us for our romp around the lakehouse. And I couldn't help but make plans to hook up with him that night. I know that's terrible, manipulative, and using him (especially since I really had not intention of getting together with him... it's just a passing thought), but I wanted some action. Sue me. 

As we drank, we started kissing, flirting, and holding hands... it seemed like we were good to go and then... I shouldn't have counted my chickens before they hatched... Once we got to the bedroom, Aiden just laid there like a jellyfish. He whined about being too drunk, being insecure about his body, and just flopped there. At one point he asked if I was okay after I had scurried to the other side of the bed to pout... There I was throwing myself at this boy... and nothing.  It was probably the most upsetting thing I have ever been a part of. We didn't even cuddle. 

The next morning I couldn't help but feel completely humiliated... and angry. Very angry. I felt like I had been lead on, I felt that I had been that disgusting desperate guy who throws himself at people, I felt that once again Aiden didn't have enough balls to make a move and actually do something.... but worst of all, I felt like the stupid High School Self... the one who didn't know how to attract boys, who got used by them, who was constantly disappointed, who was desperate for attention. It was like all my previous knowledge and integrity when it came to getting with a guy flew out the window. I was trying to hook up with a boy, use him, and then think nothing bad about it... where did my maturity go? It was being home, it was hanging around with Aiden, it was thinking about all those memories from high school... 

At least the thought of ever dating Aiden was out of my head. Glad that's over with...

And I couldn't help but think... I was the caterpillar. The caterpillar who had spun his college cocoon and was about to emerge a beautiful, independent, mature butterfly. But instead, something had gone terribly wrong with the evolution and suddenly, when I emerged from my St. Louis cocoon and returned to the Woodlands world... I was still the same fuzzy, awkward caterpillar I had always been... 

Saturday was prom. My mom had yelled at me earlier for treating my sister like a 'stupid high schooler' on her big day. Big day? Was she getting married? I thought it was just prom. Anyway, I went and played paparazzi for my sister, and took pictures of her before the dance. As I snapped pictures, I kept thinking about what separated me from these high schoolers. I still made stupid choices concerning boys, got in dumb fights with my parents, and didn't quite know how to handle life. The only difference I could really pick out was that these kids thought prom was their 'big day', I was under the impression that your wedding or having your first child was your 'big day'.  Apparently, I was wrong.

The following day, instead of bumming around my house alone, I decided to join my family and the high school kids at the lakehouse. My parents were chaperoning for the weekend so I was left all alone at the house... They also kind of guilt tripped me into going. I think they wanted to make sure they were taking full advantage of all the money they had spent on renting the house by packing as many people in there as possible.

That afternoon I went out on one of the boats that were there and had a nice long conversation with a good friend of mine, Jennyfer. Jen and I have been in several shows before, she has worked with my theatre company, and is a cast member of the Cabaret. She also is a close family friend who went to Disney World with the fam two Spring Breaks ago. We hadn't talked in awhile and caught up about our love lives, school, our futures, and all those sort of things. 

As we talked about what we wanted in our lives, I made a huge realization. I realized what separated me from these kids. In high school, you are looking forward to college, you stress about application, you want your prom to be the best, the next step in your life is graduation. 

What's my next step? Graduating college, finding a job that can I can sustain myself on, getting married...

Holy crap. I've only been out of high school two years yet... Gone are the days of thinking prom was the top, that high school theatre was the shit... and now I'm realizing how important finding a significant other is, starting a family, finding a successful job... And not even a joking sense, those really are the next steps in my life.

Thinking about this made me want to go back to College world, back to St. Louis, and indulge in my College Self even more. The more I thought about it, the more I hated how I was slipping back into High School Self...

I kept wishing that instead of trying to hook up with my ex high school boyfriend that I had no interest in, I was in St. Louis with my future love interest learning more about each other and moving forward in our relationship and the next step of life. 

I wanted to crawl back into my cocoon and give the metamorphosis another try.

I talked to my mom about it. She said there's something about turning 20 that everything just changes, your priorities are different, you become an adult. It's true. 

And because of this there is a reassurance. No matter how much I retreat into some of my High School Self ways, I know that because of my views of life, I can never completely devolve into my previous state. What I want in life has changed, I've grown up. Prom will never be important to me again, I can never just write a play because its something to do, those things that mattered will never matter ever again. Yes, every once in awhile I will slip up and throw myself at a boy and make a fool of myself, but now I take that experience and learn from it and put it towards achieving my future goals. I want a career. I want a husband. I want a family. I want to immerse myself in my art. 

Maybe I was a little too hard on this evolution of selves. Maybe we can't expect to build our cocoon and emerge a beautiful butterfly, but instead expect to emerge as a person. As person who looks exactly the same as the person who went into the cocoon. They have the same faults, the same problems, they can make the same mistakes but suddenly this new self is completely different... for with every metamorphosis, with every transformation to your next state of self, you take a step closer to becoming a fully realized human. And you know what...

It may not be a butterfly, but it sure is beautiful

P.S. Apparently, Aiden tried to get with another boy the night after we played at the lakehouse and the boy he tried to shot him down hardcore just like he did to me... Woops. Karma's a bitch... I guess that vindictive High School Self part of me will never go away...


Thursday, May 14, 2009

Sex and Another City

"You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything... you can survive it."
~ Billy Cosby

I'm halfway done with college. Isn't that ridiculous? I've finished my sophomore year and just think back on this year... on how many more songs I can relate to now. It's getting easier and easier to appreciate those songs about stupid boys, heartbreak, falling in love... It's getting easier to appreciate those songs about friendship... It's easier to appreciate how beautiful and powerful it is to be alone, and how sad and distressing it is...

I finished my last final on Tuesday, shortly after I tossed all my stuff into by suitcase and escaped. I'm currently typing at Diane's computer in Oklahoma. I feel like a foreign exchange student of sorts. I've left my college family in St. Louis to come live with and experience Diane's college family in Oklahoma.

As much as I love meeting new people, its made me miss everyone back in St. Louis right now. I see how Diane and her friends act with each other and miss how my friends and I act in St. Louis world. I was so desperate to get out of town, be done with this stupid year, I got out of there as soon as possible.

I've been desperate for this year to end. I just want everything that happened to me this year to go away so I can get back to normal. I want to have what I've learned and move on. It's not that simple, though. Just because a year ends, just because you escape town... doesn't mean everything else ends.

It's like when Carrie and Aiden broke up the first time and she got out of New York and went to Los Angeles. Or something like that...

You still think about him. You still wish things worked out. You still wish you were kissing him. You wish he would come home. You still wish the world would move a little faster so you don't have to wait. You're still trying to get over him and be ready for what's next. You're still putting together the pieces of your heart. You still think about him at 2 AM. You still think of him every time you here those damn songs...

You just have a different group of friends to talk about it to.

And sometimes in the midst of all this moping, you realize you're not talking about just your unboyfriend... in fact, you are talking about him a lot less than you ever have... and more and more about a new boy on the horizon. You're next love interest, the featured star of the next season of the TV show that is your life.

Too bad that TV show is on indefinate hiatus. It's interesting being on the side of the escape. The side that's left behind, while the other person escapes to a foreign world. It's hard being the one who has to wait while your new love interest goes on fantastic adventures in foreign places and all you can do is sit in your best friend's apartment and fantasize about your future together.

Look at me, calling this upcoming boy my love interest... We haven't even gone on a date together, I'm definately jumping the gun here... all we have is just endless hours of conversations and intimate messages... and butterflies. There are definate butterflies.

Next time I'm back in St. Louis I get to see him. He'll be back from his international adventures (which he is currently internet less... so really, all I really have is my fantasies, I don't even AIM...), I'll be back from my great escape...

I just took a break from typing this. Went into Diane's living room, sat in this papazan chair...
and then fell over.
It was like slow motion, the chair started leaning over and as I was halfway down, I realized...
There was nothing I could do.
And as I laid sprawled there on the ground, the chair on its side, and Diane, her friends, and my self cackling out of control.
I realized I couldn't be happier
and so thankful that there isn't an ounce of shame in my body.

Cuz for that moment
I forgot that I was waiting for this boy to come home
I forgot that I hated this past school year with a passion
I forgot that I feel really lonely when it's late at night
I forgot that I missed everyone in St. Louis

And I just laughed.
Fuck it. I'm having fun with my awesome foreign exchange family
in Oklahoma.

What. Up. :)

Friday, May 8, 2009

Let's get some shoes...

“Sometimes it’s hard to walk in a single person’s shoes, that’s why we need really special ones now and then to make the walk a little more fun.”            
~ Carrie, SATC Season 6, “A Woman’s Right To Shoes”

Today was fantastic.

It's about time for a fantastic day. This week was another one of those heinous, terrible weeks where everything is just incredibly stressful (I pulled another all nighter on Wednesday night... that's two Wednesdays in a row...). I've had finals, and papers, and journals, and theatre, and scene work, and dance rehearsal. It was overwhelming. A heinous weekend, and two treacherous weeks in a row? How does this happen?

Today made it all worth it.

I woke up late. It was so nice to actually sleep. Well, sleep for more than an hour at a time, because that's all your allowed to sleep, because you can't waste anymore time.. there are assignments that have to be done. 

It was pouring outside. Absolutely raining cats and dogs. So I spent what was little left of the morning in my apartment, watching Sex and the City, and turning up some music loud and dancing around. I took a nice long shower, and when lunch time finally came around I headed out to meet up with Dani, Matt, and K.T.

On campus, I'm the only male member of this dance troupe, Phases of Motion. We perform all different styles of dancing from lyrical to ballet to tap to hip-hop to musical theatre. The whole semester we had been preparing for tonight's showcase. At the dress rehearsal last night, I got to watch the entire show and all of the dances that I wasn't a part of. There was one dance (we've done it before, but for some reason that song really struck me), one of the tap dances that just got me so jazzed. It's to the song, "New Shoes" by Paolo Nutini. Apparently this song was a big hit once upon a time a few years ago, I somehow missed this bandwagon and didn't discover it until I saw the girls in Phases perform it during our lat showcase. Watching the chicas tap last night, I just fell in love with the song. I spent all of this morning tap dancing around my apartment.

Anyway, when I was walking to meet up with the gang for lunch, I put that song on repeat and as I walked across campus in the rain, something just sparked within me. I felt like I was glowing, even though the rain was pouring down around me, the sky was dark, it was a bit chilly, even though the whole week had be crappy, I felt to empowered, excited, ready to take on the entire world. 

At I strutted down the street I couldn't help but sing along to the song:

Hey, I put some new shoes on,
And suddenly everything is right,
I said, hey, I put some new shoes on and everybody's smiling,
It's so inviting,
Oh, short on money,
But long on time,
Slowly strolling in the sweet sunshine,
And I'm running late,
And I don't need an excuse,
'cause I'm wearing my brand new shoes.

Woke up late one Thursday,
And I'm seeing stars as I'm rubbing my eyes,
And I felt like there were two days missing,
As I focused on the time,
And I made my way to the kitchen,
But I had to stop from the shock of what I found,
A room full of all off my friends dancing round and round,
And I thought hello new shoes,
Bye bye them blues.

We went to Chipotle for lunch. Delicious. And then following Chipotle fun, K.T. and I decided we were going to dye my hair. I dyed my hair pre-Setzuan to look more Asian and also because I needed to new look post-break-up (There's something about changing hair color that helps to you move on. New color, new you? Who knows!). I'm naturally very, very blond. For the show I dyed my hair jet black. For awhile, with the black hair I felt somehow more mature, more put together. I felt sophisticated... but about a week ago I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself. I didn't feel like myself anymore. Madonna has a quote that I love concerning hair color:

Being blonde is definitely a different state of mind. I can't really put my finger on it, but the artifice of being blonde has some incredible sort of sexual connotation. Men really respond to it. I love blonde hair but it really does something different to you. I feel more grounded when I have dark hair, and I feel more ethereal when I have light hair. It's unexplainable.

I wanted that ethereal feeling back. I wanted the sexual connotation that came with sexy, sexy blond hair back. The other day a boy gave me his phone number and I didn't even text him or call him or anything. I want my blond hair back, I want my sex drive back, and I want this stupid vow of abstinence from boys to be over. I'm ready to flirt, I'm ready to be sexy, I'm ready to get boy crazy again.

I wanted to put my new shoes (or in my case, my new hair on) and walk outside and see that everything was all right.

As we were purchasing dye, K.T. and I started joking to each other about the boys that we had dated in the past, and what boys we tended to date and be attracted to. We created personal adds of sorts for ourselves. My personal ad went something like this:

If you have a substance abuse problem
and an inability to fully communicate your emotions or commit
If you are incredibly insecure about yourself
If you look awkward, like a smurf, or a complete dork
If you plan on breaking my heart, ignoring me, or not responding to text messages
than I AM THE GUY FOR YOU. I will fall for you, because that's what I do.

Please, if you plan on treating my nicely, taking me out to dinner, treating my like a prince...
I'm not interested. You should keep looking...

This sums up pretty much all of of my previous relationships. Why do I fall for the same guys? Why do I continue to put on the same old tattered shoes, even though the don't give me nearly enough support and make my feet sore? Why do I continue to purchase the same style of shoes that I know will fall apart in less than three months instead of the ones that are durable and will last me a lifetime?

Since I couldn't do anything about boys at the moment, hair was where it was at. Because my hair was so dark to begin with, the bleach blond dye turned it a sort of red color. Although not what I expected... I liked it. It was a different color than I had ever had before. It was something new and fresh. At first I wasn't sure about it... I was weary because it was something I had never tried before... but the more people complimented it the more I became extremely fond of it. Several of my friends mentioned how it really worked with my skin tone and looked incredibly natural... and maybe, just maybe, this new hair was reflective of me. It wasn't the blond of my past, and it wasn't the black of break-up/Setzuan mourning, but instead a reflection of a brand new me, a new person who was ready to return to the world, confidant and secure. I put my new hair on... and suddenly I was smiling.

After my dye job was done, I ran over to get ready for the Phases of Motion showcase. I was so excited for it. After spending the entire semester working on all the dances, it was about time to show them off and we were ready. I performed in three dances and emceed the evening and was INCREDIBLY happy with how everything turned out. For the finale of the showcase, Elisabeth and I choreographed a musical theatre style dance for a medley of songs from the musical, Hairspray. When we performed it, I was floored when, during the dance, people screamed, laughed, clapped, and were just excited about the whole thing. And as we struck the final pose at the end of the song, people in the audience (a pretty decent amount too), actually gave us a standing ovation. I could have exploded. I was so proud of Elisabeth and I putting together this dance, so proud of the girls for learning the dance and working so hard, so proud of the boys we invited to appear in the dance (we needed some men to help perform all the lifts and tricks)... and I realized... it was the first time this entire semester that I actually felt proud of something I had done... And it felt good.

I had missed being proud of my work in the fine arts part of my life. I had put my 'proud of myself' shoes deep in my closet and allowed them to be buried beneath dirty laundry and random crap. And suddenly, they just appeared, I tried them on, and they felt good. Although old, they felt and looked like a pair of brand new, fabulous shoes. I was just bummed out I found them now and not earlier... they would have looked good with a lot of outfits. I wasn't going to let them get buried in my closet and be forgotten again. It feels good to feel good about yourself. It feels wonderful to work so hard and have such an excellent pay off for your work. It feels good to be proud.

Post awesome dance showcase, though, I couldn't help but feel a little bittersweet. I felt so proud of myself, I was loving myself hardcore, but... part of me wished I had someone there after to come up, kiss me, and be so proud of me. I wish I had a boy there to support me, to love me, and to proud the most proud person in that entire theatre. It wasn't a boy in general, though, it was one boy... and I just kept thinking...

I wish you were in the audience, because I know you would have been the first person 
to stand up and cheer at the end of  Hairspray
I wish you were here to run up to the stage afterwards and give me one of those fabled hugs 
where the two people become one for a moment
I wish you were here to see me beaming, and be so proud of me, and see how happy/ecstatic/amazing
 it makes me feel to know that you are proud that I'm proud
I wish you were here so we could go back to my apartment and throw a dance party to celebrate, 
just the two of us
I wish you were here, because if I feel this much empowerment from you from millions of miles away,
just imagine what it would be like to have you here
I wish you were here, because I'm ready to start making memories with you

And then, instead of continuing to mope about distance, I made a powerful realization. Relationship-wise, I was finally ready for some new shoes. I was ready to set the old shoes under my bed (not throw them away, just put them out of sight for awhile, I would never completely give up on a pair of shoes especially if they're still wearable), and try on some spankin' new shoes. These shoes just had to be shipped from overseas and while take about a month and a half to arrive. Until then, I'll just have to stare at the catalog and imagine what these hot new shoes feel like.

After the show, Dani, Matt, and Erin decided to go out to Uncle Bill's for our final late night Uncle Bill's trip in St. Louis for a long while (especially for Dani and Matt, they're studying in Spain in the fall). While eating my pancakes, something came out of my mouth that really shocked me. We were talking about a terrible experience Erin had had at International Thespian Festival (a boy asked for a kiss on the cheek, when Erin politely leaned into cheek kiss, he swiftly moved his head and laid on on her... little 16 year old Erin was in SHOCK and APPALLED) when she was a junior in high school and we started picturing younger versions of ourselves. And that's when I said it, "I like 20 year old me better than any other previous version of me." To which Erin responded, "It's so good to like yourself."

In that moment, I realized I liked myself. I was actually proud of who I was. I felt confidant, secure, funny, sexy, amazing, supported... I felt stronger than I had felt in a long time. 

And suddenly my vow of Abstinence from Boys was no longer necessary. I was ready to get back into the Game instead of hiding away and failing to put a real, strong, intentional effort forward. I had new hair, a new song to dance to, a new thing to be proud of, a group of friends to love me unconditionally, a prospective boy in the midst who is nothing like any previous boy before...

I found a whole bunch of new shoes... 
and  they felt and looked damn good. 

And that's why...

today was fantastic.